It’s that time once again. Cranky Kong here, bringing you the greatest of the latest with the top five Gamecube games in circulation.
The Gamecube is beginning to bear some semblance of me: it’s getting old, it’s getting tired, and Nintendo thinks it’s time for it to retire. Not being quite as energetic as me, the ol’ system has decided to step down, meaning no new games are being produced for it. However, with the list officially complete, that means I get to make your judgment for you and pick the five most meaningful meaningless games it has!
Where I thought the Nintendo 64 was bad, the Gamecube got even worse. Instead of giving up and going back to the reliable methods of the previous age, the programmers followed through on their endeavors and smoothed out their danged 3D workmanship. Characters could now have five fingers on each hand. In addition to reaching the peak of graphics, they managed to do something halfway right and made more sturdy control sticks on their controllers, although taking away all those yellow buttons limited some of the potential of the games that were putting them all to use before. (Oh, blast it all! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I hated all those yellow buttons!)
Games on this console introduced new ideas and tried to blend them together with old ones. It’s all too much for me to keep up with, but you kids seem to love it for some reason. An example of something new is those Pikmin games. Is one better than the other? I’ll go through that in a minute. My lumbering son didn’t even sign up for an adventure this time: went off experimenting with those bongos of his. Ah, well. That’s what happens when an entire company disappears. Since they left Nintendo, I haven’t heard so much as a six word sentence about them (and believe me, it’s not hard to spare six words). This is going to look predictable, but I’ve got the means to defend my claims. In an ambiguous order, the top five games are: Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion, the Pikmin games, The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker, and Mario Kart: Double Dash. Quite a light-hearted lot this time around, eh?
Now don’t break out any military satellite control programs yet. I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Cranky left out the Metroid games again!” First off, as much as this cruel, mean old man can, I respect your opinion. Let’s be fair, though. Metroid’s not for everyone. Notice the rating? Point out the most recent T-Rated game you’ve seen here. Besides, this time they looked more like those shooter games than a 2D adventure (or even a 3D adventure!), the music was as scary as the monsters, and a feeling of darkness loomed over everything. As soon as I found out blowing up that planet within the first 15 minutes wasn’t a choice, my interest was gone, and your reward for finishing the game with enough stuff was to see the girl take her helmet off. Maybe with blonde hair. You really want to play hours on end for that? I’m not saying that no one likes them. Metroid games are perfect for some players. (Nobody’s been able to pull Chunky away from it for what’s going on five weeks.) The rest of us though? I don’t think it’s fair to hold us accountable for not being able to screw in a light bulb with a laser cannon. “Cranky left out Super Smash Bros. again!” Its successor is coming soon. Is it out yet? I’m losing track. Go buy that! “Why do Mario and Luigi get so many titles?” Because my son didn’t. Next! “Why are the Pikmin games lumped together?” I told you, I’ll explain that in a minute. Where’s this generation getting their patience from? Certainly not from their grandparents! “Craaaaaaaanky! What about Zelda: Ocarina of Time—Master Quest?” Remember the Disk Drive game that was going to finish the half-hearted Ocarina of Time? Well, this isn’t it. In Japan, it is. The version we got is a toned-down version (only the dungeons have changed). It’s not good enough to mention.
Well, that ought to take care of those arguments. Of course, by the time the Gamecube came out, there were many people who were interested in games; more than when previous systems were new, that’s to be sure. Because of this, there are many more titles that many people know about. That just means that arguments that can be presented are usually good ones (but then, when you argue with Cranky, you need to clear your schedule for the day).
Well, where should we start? Let’s try Super Mario Sunshine, shall we? This is another of those games that you can pop in, start up a complete file, and just play and have fun. There’s a map that shows you where all the areas are, so with a touch of imagination, you can quest from one place to the next. The play style was somewhat familiar from Super Mario 64, but with the punch/kick combo taken out, it was necessary to get used to the new scheme of things. Also, just completing the game was somewhat unintuitive if you didn’t know what to do next. Who would’ve guessed you need to beat the fourth mission of the fourth world to continue? Or the seventh mission of each world just to finish? At least Super Mario 64 gave you freedom of choice! And where’s that lazy good-for-nothing Luigi, anyway?
Oh, here he is. Luigi’s Mansion was the first game for the console, and it wasn’t quite the Super Mario Sunshine people were expecting. I say it was much better. Here we have an old-fashioned style game on our hands! You don’t have to run and jump at just the right moment at a ridiculous angle to have fun here; just watch what happens and react. And there’s a score system, which seems to have died out since the 2D era. Recently I was watching a video from one of my security cameras, and I caught a conversation Dixie was having with Diddy. She said her sister got a high score on Luigi’s Mansion, then played again and tried to beat it, but got the same score again! If you can beat 137,460,000 G, you’ve beaten her. Every coin and jewel counts!
Speaking of treasure, that brings us to those Pikmin games. The first one has good points where you might not expect to find them. First there was the 30 day time limit. Believe it or not, that adds some replay value. When you’re limited by time, content needs to be reasonable. That means you can try it several times in a row and try to best your fastest time. They also put bomb rocks in here, which can be (you guessed it) a blast. The sequel took these things out, which might make play more comfortable, as well as removing all those unnecessary accidental unintended mass suicides. It was all I could do not to laugh harder while pointing at Lanky’s record-breaking loss of 44 Pikmin with bomb rocks, along with three quarters of his health meter. Throw in some new confusing Pikmin colors, and take away the daytime time limit in those underground areas (which doesn’t make any sense at all when you think about it), and you’ve got something like fun. The addition of multiplayer modes might just be enough to give this one an edge over its predecessor. Of course, no one said those little guys ever got any smarter. The final decision is probably up to the player.
That brings us back to Zelda. I think this “toon” version, bright and cheerful as it is, beats the later “twilight” version with its themes of darkness and teen rating. In this edition, dungeons are short and sweet. They’re also few and far between. That leaves most of this depressing oceanic world for you to explore. To make up for the lack of dungeons (I’d swear you could finish the story in three hours), they packed a multitude of side quests. Look for enemy outposts on the ocean. Explore small and large islands all over the place. Decorate the town and your own private island (if you find it). Take pictures of everything. Conquer 50 floors worth of semi-intelligent monsters. And of course, pay with your hard earned savings to play cheap games on corny obstacle courses. If you enjoy the excitement of pirates without all the lethal and unethical factors, you could have a lot of fun with this game. Try exploring the world without any online help; you could go at it for quite a while. The only thing missing with this approach is some kind of finale once you’ve found everything… If it’s too easy for you, there’s always the hard mode.
So, who here has ever heard of Mario Kart? This new one, Double Dash, is a bit easier to look at than its predecessors, despite its advanced 3D graphics. Also, the music doesn’t disappear on you when you incorporate a lot of players. The big attraction here, however, is that each racer has two drivers in it. You can also choose your vehicle independently of the drivers. Aside from the main attraction of racing, there’s a lot of ways to get a laugh here. Arguing drivers, random road trash, oncoming traffic, and any number of hazards can put a bit of a spin on your race. Ever tried racing while cycling drivers at a rate of once per second? And trying everything flip-flopped after you’ve taken so long to get used to it can really throw you. I almost made it in myself, but for some reason the producers turned me away when they realized I was trying to have them build a Rocker-Mobile, not a Rocket-Mobile. What is it with these kids and their jet cars, eh?
There’s a few other quirky titles out there. Animal Crossing? That might be more fun if a certain inevitable cycle didn’t happen. You’re busy for a few days and don’t play. “Oh, that’s no problem; I plan to come back later.” It turns into a week. “Well, my town’s going to be a mess, and everyone will shout at me, and there will be bugs in my house, and I don’t want to deal with that right now!” Before you know it, months have passed. By the time you’re ready to play it again, you can’t remember one blasted thing about that town and find yourself starting a new one. I seen it happen to Funky 54 times now. “Well, there’s Pokemon Channel, right?” Whose idea was it to make a game about watching TV?! Donkey Konga? There’s a few of my critics out there who say the best thing about the game is that I made an appearance. Star Fox Adventures? This looks like someone threw away some old Zelda schematics and Rare recycled ‘em. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance? Would anyone even buy these games if it weren’t for Smash Bros? Besides, the story’s so in depth it’s sickening, and even that’s full of holes! F-Zero GX? Throw in a Rocker-Mobile, and we’ll talk about it. Star Fox Assault? Well, it’s no Star Fox 64… but then, who is? “Oh! What about Sonic Heroes? Surely Sonic can stand up to Mario!” Maybe, but not with this edition. It can get repetitive playing the same game on four difficulties without having to finish any of them once. Oh, and I didn’t say any of these were actually bad; this is just why no single one of them is the top five.
Well, my bones, muscles, organs, tendons, skin, blood vessels, and perspiratory glands are starting to complain to me, so I’m off to bed. I’ve got my work cut out for me trying to figure out which of the old NES games are the best of them. I’ll see you in a week, and don’t steal anything on your way out.
