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Picture this for a second: a set of graphics distinctly exclusive for video games, a simple set of two buttons, title screens that come up in a second without lengthy intros, and more variety than you can fit in six feet of sandwich. That’s right, I’m talking about the glory days of a system we now know as the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Games released for the NES boasted simple design schemes, unnecessary uses for the Select button, ambiguous mysteries with single solutions and few clues, passwords, and instruction books you were actually expected (but not required) to read. As you can well guess, it was brilliantly put together. Choosing a set of five best here is not an easy task, and if any of you ingrates actually know five games from this time, feel free to formulate a top five of your own. As for this old monkey, I’ve chosen Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 3, The Legend of Zelda, and Kirby’s Adventure.

Hm? What’s that familiar sound? Oh, yes. I believe I hear complaining. Let’s see what we’re looking at. “That’s the last straw! Cranky’s a Metroid hater!” Okay, first off, weren’t the actual Metroids the bad guys? But anyway, cool your heels. It’s different this time. As far as NES games go, this one’s a pretty good play. Very difficult. The problem this time is simply what happens when you finish quickly enough. Finish in 3 hours, and Samus takes off her suit to reveal a one-piece bathing suit. Finish in less than one, and the little lady shows off a two-piece ensemble. Either way, you can play again using her in a swim suit. I don’t care if it was 8-bit; it’s the idea that counts. Games didn’t need to pass this kind of thing off then, and they don’t need to deal with it now. If the game took place on a beach, maaaaybe this would be okay. But does this game look like any beach you’ve ever been to? And who the heck is Justin Bailey?!

What else am I hearing? “…Gah! Donkey Kong didn’t make the list! Cranky starred in Donkey Kong!” Both those statements are true, but my true masterpiece was not a title for the NES. Rather, it was an upright arcade game, and you lucky players can experience it for free in Donkey Kong 64. Yes, even these developers do something right, now and then. “What about that Contra game?” For those of you who don’t know about this one, there are a handful of players who think this game is the best thing since sliced cheese. It’s not. It’s nothing but a fast-action shooter with cut scenes ripped out and almost no plot. Your reward for clearing this harder-than-homework game is the word “Congratulations!”. Even the fans complain about that. “Why is Mario getting so much attention?!” Try naming five NES games that everyone will recognize that don’t include Mario. Even some that no one knows (such as Golf) are about Mario!

I have a feeling a number of you are familiar with the Mario titles. Even if you don’t know it, you may have seen (not Super) Mario Bros. It’s in Super Mario Bros. 3, they’re including it in a number of Gameboy Advance releases, and if they’re smart, they’ll put it in the next Smash Bros game. It’s all about racking up your score. While you might be more inclined just to beat it, Super Mario Bros. can be pretty enjoyable with that goal, too. Ever tried completing it without seeing “Game Over” or using a warp zone? Your score can be pretty high. I’d bet you’d also be surprised to find out just how many games make references all the way back to this title. The game we call Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels never made it to the U.S. NES, so I’m not including it here, and Super Mario Bros. 2 was completely different; I’m not even going into it. Super Mario Bros. 3 is where complexity started to really come in. Intricate maps, collectable items, and some nice secrets that are pretty different from what you normally see today make this a pretty memorable title. Here’s the one thing that confuses me: this game was easy enough for kids to pick up, but they haven’t made another one with quite the same style (particularly the flurry of items you could collect and hold). Why do you suppose that is? I don’t even see laziness as a reason for this one.

Well, with Mario out of the way, let’s look at something Mario might have heard of once: The Legend of Zelda. Get out your thinking cap for this one, because this game is packed both with secrets that are and aren’t revealed in the game. How good you are can really influence how this game comes out, because you don’t have to visit the dungeons in order, although you do have to finish the first eight to enter the ninth, provided you can find the blasted thing! Okay, I’ll give you a hint: you need a bomb. Notice, by the way, that there are eight dungeons and a final, rather than seven and a final. Kind of interesting.

That leaves us with Kirby’s Adventure. Here’s another one that’s easy enough for anyone to figure out. It’s also got a few secrets tucked away; no world is complete until it’s a uniform shape, and a door goes white once you’ve found everything. If you’re spoiling for a fight, more challenging versions of the mini-bosses are available, and once you’ve finished, you can try taking them all in a row with a single life. Sound familiar? This is where that one came from. There are few (if any) places that actually require an ability from you, so pick your favorite and go!

That’s what old Iron-Memory Cranky offers on this set of golden oldies. The good news is that of the games mentioned throughout this ramble, all the good ones are on the Wii Virtual Console at five bucks a pop. It might look like it adds up quickly if you’re after a bunch, but if you compare it to how much you spend on the high-tech games or the number of quarters you’d use at an arcade, it’s really not so bad. Of course, everything’s more expensive than I would want it. You know how many games fifty dollars would’ve gotten you when I was a kid? That’s right—zero. There were no games that early on.

Well, save for some bizarre twist of fate, this will be my last “Top 5” critique. But you know me—I can always find something to complain about. For now, I’m turning in; I haven’t slept in days.

It’s that time once again. Cranky Kong here, bringing you the greatest of the latest with the top five Gamecube games in circulation.

The Gamecube is beginning to bear some semblance of me: it’s getting old, it’s getting tired, and Nintendo thinks it’s time for it to retire. Not being quite as energetic as me, the ol’ system has decided to step down, meaning no new games are being produced for it. However, with the list officially complete, that means I get to make your judgment for you and pick the five most meaningful meaningless games it has!

Where I thought the Nintendo 64 was bad, the Gamecube got even worse. Instead of giving up and going back to the reliable methods of the previous age, the programmers followed through on their endeavors and smoothed out their danged 3D workmanship. Characters could now have five fingers on each hand. In addition to reaching the peak of graphics, they managed to do something halfway right and made more sturdy control sticks on their controllers, although taking away all those yellow buttons limited some of the potential of the games that were putting them all to use before. (Oh, blast it all! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I hated all those yellow buttons!)

Games on this console introduced new ideas and tried to blend them together with old ones. It’s all too much for me to keep up with, but you kids seem to love it for some reason. An example of something new is those Pikmin games. Is one better than the other? I’ll go through that in a minute. My lumbering son didn’t even sign up for an adventure this time: went off experimenting with those bongos of his. Ah, well. That’s what happens when an entire company disappears. Since they left Nintendo, I haven’t heard so much as a six word sentence about them (and believe me, it’s not hard to spare six words). This is going to look predictable, but I’ve got the means to defend my claims. In an ambiguous order, the top five games are: Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion, the Pikmin games, The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker, and Mario Kart: Double Dash. Quite a light-hearted lot this time around, eh?

Now don’t break out any military satellite control programs yet. I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Cranky left out the Metroid games again!” First off, as much as this cruel, mean old man can, I respect your opinion. Let’s be fair, though. Metroid’s not for everyone. Notice the rating? Point out the most recent T-Rated game you’ve seen here. Besides, this time they looked more like those shooter games than a 2D adventure (or even a 3D adventure!), the music was as scary as the monsters, and a feeling of darkness loomed over everything. As soon as I found out blowing up that planet within the first 15 minutes wasn’t a choice, my interest was gone, and your reward for finishing the game with enough stuff was to see the girl take her helmet off. Maybe with blonde hair. You really want to play hours on end for that? I’m not saying that no one likes them. Metroid games are perfect for some players. (Nobody’s been able to pull Chunky away from it for what’s going on five weeks.) The rest of us though? I don’t think it’s fair to hold us accountable for not being able to screw in a light bulb with a laser cannon. “Cranky left out Super Smash Bros. again!” Its successor is coming soon. Is it out yet? I’m losing track. Go buy that! “Why do Mario and Luigi get so many titles?” Because my son didn’t. Next! “Why are the Pikmin games lumped together?” I told you, I’ll explain that in a minute. Where’s this generation getting their patience from? Certainly not from their grandparents! “Craaaaaaaanky! What about Zelda: Ocarina of Time—Master Quest?” Remember the Disk Drive game that was going to finish the half-hearted Ocarina of Time? Well, this isn’t it. In Japan, it is. The version we got is a toned-down version (only the dungeons have changed). It’s not good enough to mention.

Well, that ought to take care of those arguments. Of course, by the time the Gamecube came out, there were many people who were interested in games; more than when previous systems were new, that’s to be sure. Because of this, there are many more titles that many people know about. That just means that arguments that can be presented are usually good ones (but then, when you argue with Cranky, you need to clear your schedule for the day).

Well, where should we start? Let’s try Super Mario Sunshine, shall we? This is another of those games that you can pop in, start up a complete file, and just play and have fun. There’s a map that shows you where all the areas are, so with a touch of imagination, you can quest from one place to the next. The play style was somewhat familiar from Super Mario 64, but with the punch/kick combo taken out, it was necessary to get used to the new scheme of things. Also, just completing the game was somewhat unintuitive if you didn’t know what to do next. Who would’ve guessed you need to beat the fourth mission of the fourth world to continue? Or the seventh mission of each world just to finish? At least Super Mario 64 gave you freedom of choice! And where’s that lazy good-for-nothing Luigi, anyway?

Oh, here he is. Luigi’s Mansion was the first game for the console, and it wasn’t quite the Super Mario Sunshine people were expecting. I say it was much better. Here we have an old-fashioned style game on our hands! You don’t have to run and jump at just the right moment at a ridiculous angle to have fun here; just watch what happens and react. And there’s a score system, which seems to have died out since the 2D era. Recently I was watching a video from one of my security cameras, and I caught a conversation Dixie was having with Diddy. She said her sister got a high score on Luigi’s Mansion, then played again and tried to beat it, but got the same score again! If you can beat 137,460,000 G, you’ve beaten her. Every coin and jewel counts!

Speaking of treasure, that brings us to those Pikmin games. The first one has good points where you might not expect to find them. First there was the 30 day time limit. Believe it or not, that adds some replay value. When you’re limited by time, content needs to be reasonable. That means you can try it several times in a row and try to best your fastest time. They also put bomb rocks in here, which can be (you guessed it) a blast. The sequel took these things out, which might make play more comfortable, as well as removing all those unnecessary accidental unintended mass suicides. It was all I could do not to laugh harder while pointing at Lanky’s record-breaking loss of 44 Pikmin with bomb rocks, along with three quarters of his health meter. Throw in some new confusing Pikmin colors, and take away the daytime time limit in those underground areas (which doesn’t make any sense at all when you think about it), and you’ve got something like fun. The addition of multiplayer modes might just be enough to give this one an edge over its predecessor. Of course, no one said those little guys ever got any smarter. The final decision is probably up to the player.

That brings us back to Zelda. I think this “toon” version, bright and cheerful as it is, beats the later “twilight” version with its themes of darkness and teen rating. In this edition, dungeons are short and sweet. They’re also few and far between. That leaves most of this depressing oceanic world for you to explore. To make up for the lack of dungeons (I’d swear you could finish the story in three hours), they packed a multitude of side quests. Look for enemy outposts on the ocean. Explore small and large islands all over the place. Decorate the town and your own private island (if you find it). Take pictures of everything. Conquer 50 floors worth of semi-intelligent monsters. And of course, pay with your hard earned savings to play cheap games on corny obstacle courses. If you enjoy the excitement of pirates without all the lethal and unethical factors, you could have a lot of fun with this game. Try exploring the world without any online help; you could go at it for quite a while. The only thing missing with this approach is some kind of finale once you’ve found everything… If it’s too easy for you, there’s always the hard mode.

So, who here has ever heard of Mario Kart? This new one, Double Dash, is a bit easier to look at than its predecessors, despite its advanced 3D graphics. Also, the music doesn’t disappear on you when you incorporate a lot of players. The big attraction here, however, is that each racer has two drivers in it. You can also choose your vehicle independently of the drivers. Aside from the main attraction of racing, there’s a lot of ways to get a laugh here. Arguing drivers, random road trash, oncoming traffic, and any number of hazards can put a bit of a spin on your race. Ever tried racing while cycling drivers at a rate of once per second? And trying everything flip-flopped after you’ve taken so long to get used to it can really throw you. I almost made it in myself, but for some reason the producers turned me away when they realized I was trying to have them build a Rocker-Mobile, not a Rocket-Mobile. What is it with these kids and their jet cars, eh?

There’s a few other quirky titles out there. Animal Crossing? That might be more fun if a certain inevitable cycle didn’t happen. You’re busy for a few days and don’t play. “Oh, that’s no problem; I plan to come back later.” It turns into a week. “Well, my town’s going to be a mess, and everyone will shout at me, and there will be bugs in my house, and I don’t want to deal with that right now!” Before you know it, months have passed. By the time you’re ready to play it again, you can’t remember one blasted thing about that town and find yourself starting a new one. I seen it happen to Funky 54 times now. “Well, there’s Pokemon Channel, right?” Whose idea was it to make a game about watching TV?! Donkey Konga? There’s a few of my critics out there who say the best thing about the game is that I made an appearance. Star Fox Adventures? This looks like someone threw away some old Zelda schematics and Rare recycled ‘em. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance? Would anyone even buy these games if it weren’t for Smash Bros? Besides, the story’s so in depth it’s sickening, and even that’s full of holes! F-Zero GX? Throw in a Rocker-Mobile, and we’ll talk about it. Star Fox Assault? Well, it’s no Star Fox 64… but then, who is? “Oh! What about Sonic Heroes? Surely Sonic can stand up to Mario!” Maybe, but not with this edition. It can get repetitive playing the same game on four difficulties without having to finish any of them once. Oh, and I didn’t say any of these were actually bad; this is just why no single one of them is the top five.

Well, my bones, muscles, organs, tendons, skin, blood vessels, and perspiratory glands are starting to complain to me, so I’m off to bed. I’ve got my work cut out for me trying to figure out which of the old NES games are the best of them. I’ll see you in a week, and don’t steal anything on your way out.

So you thought I was kidding, did you? Well, take heart, because ol’ Cranky’s back with his comments and criticisms (but mostly criticisms) on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and the best five games that new-since-’91 thing has to offer.

I certainly didn’t like the SNES when it came out, believing that they were going completely radical with their fancy new graphics and such. Of course I was right; look at what that started. In retrospect, though, it’s definitely easier to enjoy than those new three dimensional puzzles they call games, because most of what’s there is pretty similar to what came before it. But didn’t it seem like a rip-off to you when they tried selling old games with new graphics? What could be more useless? (For more ranting, visit me in the original Donkey Kong Country game. And don’t press “B”.)

The Super Nintendo was an era of wonderful 2D games wrapped in the fruits of artists who were paid too much for their time. Perhaps the pinnacle of this was the Donkey Kong Country series. (Hey, don’t think I’m biased here; ever seen my instruction booklet comments for these games?) Instead of the redundancy of listing three titles from one series, I thought I’d just lump them together as one. How does that sound? So, my list for this system in no particular order is: Donkey Kong Country Series, Super Mario World, Kirby Super Star, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. In a trend similar to N64 games, I see a lot of titles with “Super” in them.

Let’s dodge a few mines real quick, shall we? “Evil old Cranky left out the Metroid game!” I know, I know, I’m a criminal. I’ll touch on that one later, I promise. It came down to choosing between that and the Zelda title. Which would you have preferred? “No fair! Mario got two places!” Yeah, and that son o’ mine got three. And two of them were games he barely bothered to appear in. Let’s face it—those boys know what they’re doing. I’m not looking for the most famous characters ever (who happen to be there); I’m looking for fun content. And I understand there’s this flame war going on about that psycho-whatzit kid and his Earthbound game. I’m not taking sides here, but something that influenced me was that Diddy can be completely excited about playing it when he starts, and by the time he beats that final bad thing, he’s sick of it. Personally I like a game that tells you when you’ve been playing too long and includes brushing your teeth as beneficial in battle. That’s all I’ll say on it.

So, where should we start? Let’s get this one out of the way: my son’s Donkey Kong Country series. The first one is perhaps the most bare to some of you, because there wasn’t anything to collect over time except bananas. It had hidden bonus areas though, which was a necessary staple of this game that I don’t believe I’ve seen anything quite like in other titles. But the bosses were lame. The unnecessary sequels are where things get interesting. They’ve got stronger, more interesting bosses, coins from the bonus rooms to help you reach the surprise final boss, and money you can collect and give me! I still think Dixie should’ve been the damsel in distress. …I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but it’s my favorite thing they did in this series. On the File Select screen for Donkey Kong Country 3, press: L R R L R R L R L R. You will be prompted to enter a cheat. Enter the cheat TUFST (pronounced “toughest”). Select a new game, finish it, and find everything. When you see something like this on-line, it usually looks like a hoax. Take my word for it—this is genuine. I won’t spoil what happens.

Super Mario World introduced Yoshi and his ridiculously large tongue. It also gave several worlds two ways out. Yes sometimes you would go in circles this way, but there was a lot to find even without collectables. If a world was red on the map, it had two ways out. Remember that. It won’t help you with haunted houses, but remember it anyway. Then there was that Star Road, and then the secret within the Star Road. Things get real confusing after that; complete it at your own risk! Oh, and you think I’m getting forgetful in my old age? Seems Bowser’s children were forgotten after this one. Ah! And here’s a good one! When you go to face that final boss whose name escapes me at the moment, the place was ominously called “Front Door”. It was also a clue about the “Back Door” you could find. Not too shabby, eh?

Kirby Super Star was eight (or nine) games in one. I think this was brilliant. I only had to learn the controls one time (just one!), and I could play almost anything they threw at me. Two player simultaneous compatibility means more fun for more people. There was even an appearance from that Meta Knight fella folks seem to like. This idea is certainly a better alternative to trying to sell all those games individually!

So… We’re back to Zelda, are we? Well, this one was definitely easier to understand than that original Legend of Zelda, so you wimps had it easy. You could even buy tips to figure it out if those blinking marks on your map weren’t enough. And fairies healed you seven hearts—not eight. Seven makes a bit more sense, don’t you think? The bosses? Simple, but not easy. That’s what I think they should be.

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with Super Mario RPG, but it was made in part by the same folks as Final Fantasy. Oh, yeah, I didn’t put that one Final Fantasy game in here (is it III or is it VI?!) because it just takes too long to get strong enough to conquer the challenges. It’s not bad besides that. But this game was sweet and simple—a good first RPG for anyone. It’s not like the Paper Mario series either, where 8 HP is a big deal. It’s an all-fire RPG with elements of Mario added in. But really, is there ANY good way to earn the Super Jacket? (If you’ve never tried it, you might not want to bother…)

Okay, okay, before anyone gets a good chance to organize the torches. Why didn’t Super Metroid make it? It didn’t have any dialog, and the puzzles had no real clues for you to figure them out. Sound pretty good so far right? Well, this game was the “Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels” for the Super Nintendo, and by that I mean the hardest game on the console. People loved how long it was, too. But the themes are very, very dark, not like sunny old Super Mario. I’m not going to forgive them for their animation when you run out of health, either. Don’t people abuse this sort of thing enough, already? Oh, yeah, and that final boss (which took me ages to reach) has one of the worst attacks I’ve ever seen. If you’re already too low on health, you’re already screwed. It’s also unavoidable, so there’s nothing you can do about it. It does phenomenal damage which I’m pretty sure the boss healed with. An attack this powerful isn’t bad by itself… as long as there’s something you can DO about it! Did I mention that it felt like it was missing a plot where one should have been? And not a title being to be found, either. Still, if you’re looking for a big, long challenge, you might just like it.

Well, I hope I’ve whet your appetite a bit, so try some of these not-so-oldies and give your hands a break from those less-than-intuitive broken-feeling control sticks. I think the Super Nintendo is the best place to find a good side-scroller, too. The NES has the widest variety of games I know about, so I’ll need some time for that one, but tune in next week, when I cover the best five games that have come out for the Gamecube!