Blogging While Paused

I must be the worst boss ever. I mean, look at me! I kidnap a Princess, and hold her captive, IN HER OWN CASTLE! So I’m basically giving Mario home field advantage. He’s over at Peach’s place every other day, if you see where I’m going here. Fixing the plumbing, that kind of thing… … … …

On top of that, the stars Mario needs to defeat me, are found in the pictures, in the castle. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s going on here!

Then there’s my “helpers.” If you can call them that. These stupid bimbos waddle around all over the place, just waiting to be stepped on. All it takes is one foot and “POP”! There goes another goober. I step on about 3 of the stupid things just on my way to the kitchen for afternoon snack! Like these things will ever stop anyone. Maybe they can “cute” him to death. Or maybe he’ll die laughing!

Then there’s a matter of hit points. You know how many hit points I have? Three. That’s right, three. Whoop-de-do! You know, I could stand to have 3 hit points, IF THERE WEREN’T BOMBS SURROUNDING MY ARENA!!! I mean, what’s up with that? Why in the world would I put BOMBS IN MY OWN ARENA!!! It’s not like Mario is going to run up and jump on them all by himself! I’m just totally asking to be killed. It’s like, “Hi, I’m a moron! Please kill me! Have a nice day!”

Gaaahh! I can’t take this anymore. I need to call my agent.

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Let Hyrule rot. Let the light world be taken over by darkness. I don’t care. You know why I don’t care? Because no one else does!

These fairy people are starting to get on my nerves. I’m working my way down into the cave of ordeals, and it’s those blasted fairies! You talk to them, and their all like “Hey, I never expected you to make it this far. Good job though! If you want to start over, let me know!”

What?!?! Is this the first fairy that doesn’t refill your health? At least partially? I’m the freaking Hero of Light, and you can’t even refill my health!?!? If you want me to save your pathetic little planet, it might help to show me a little courtesy.

And what’s so magic about the number eight? Why do fairies refill 8 hearts? Why not 10? Why not all your health? I don’t understand why 8 is the magic number. It just doesn’t make sense.

These stupid Hylian people don’t know how good they have it. The all carry on about their pathetic little business, while I, single handedly mind you, VOLUNTEER, to save the world. I even save two worlds this time! What do I get in return? Nothing. Not a thing. Sure, I’m no longer in wolf form and precious little what’s-her-face, gets her memory back. But I don’t get any benefits at all! I have to buy my arrows, I have to buy my bombs, I get to scavenge all over tar-nation looking for rupees and trying to find health.

I don’t even qualify for fringe benefits! This is like the most retarded deal ever. That’s why I have decided to quit. I’d like to officially announce that I am going to stop saving the world, until I am shown a bit more appreciation. If you really care about Hyrule as much as you say you do, prove it.

It’s been fun, a nice good franchise, but I think it’s time I retire. I found a nice little island a few clips to the west of my grandparents house, you can find me there when you change your mind.

Forest life rocks. You don’t know how awesome it is to live in a jungle. It’s amazing. The only thing better then living in the jungle is a side scrolling game. You may think I’m a bit off the wall with this, but I’m serious. Side scrolling is great, I don’t see why they don’t do more of it. Just because you can have a three dimensional world doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, Donkey Kong 64 was an amazing game, but I’m still a big fan of the classics. The first original Donkey Kong Country was one of the greatest games to grace the world. (Just because I am a bias source doesn’t mean my opinion is useless!)

Those were the good old days, riding rhinos, swinging on vines, collecting banananananananas… Ah, bananas! I love bananas. I’m not happy with these new gigs that my agent is throwing my way… Donkey Kong-a? Get real! It’s like a bunch of drunk PR people came up with the “cute” (read: very not cute) idea to use my name as some sort of sick pun. My agent, being the kind hearted moron he is, signed up me up then goes to tell me that this game is going to take off like a NASA rocket! He was dead wrong, what more can I say.

Actually, I think the biggest problem came when Microsoft bought our Rare. I tell you, I had around 6 dozen apes and gorillas with picket signs trying to boycott the deal. We had internet campaigns and a ton of TV ads, the problem is first that apes and monkeys don’t watch TV or use the Internet. The second problem is that Microsoft doesn’t listen to animals, even if the Animals are capable of developing better software… …please don’t send me hate mail… …I really didn’t mean that.

Well, I’m off to go throw my drums in the trash… again…

Man, I am fast. You think you’re fast? You think beating Twilight Princess in under 30 hours is fast? Well I so totally have you beat! I am the king of fast. I am so fast it’s not even funny. That’s right, I am faster the humor!!!!

I’m just whippin’ around corners, yippee! How many people do you know, that can start out the race in 20th place and be in 1st by the end of lap one? Yeah, that’s me. Did you see my last race? Did ya? Did ya? It was amazing, if I do say so myself. I am sweet. That’s all I gotta say.

The best racing game on the planet is F-Zero, and there ain’t no buts about that. You think Mario Kart is a racing game? Think again. It puts me to sleep. It’s kinda like all these new “action” movies that are coming out. They are far to slow. They take like a whole half second to change camera angles, it’s awful. I’m sitting there in the movie theater going… “Okay… can they change the camera angle yet? Anytime now…” and then finally, I have to wait another second or half a second and the camera angle changes.

I am like, the fastest game character in the world. It rocks. Some people think Sonic, is fast, but I am so much faster then Sonic. Granted, I must say that Sonic has a cool “blue and red” color theme going for him, (my personal favorite) but you put the two of us on a track, and… well… the only conclusion is that I would win. That’s all there is too it. Why? Because I am fast!

Yeah, so the last race was rockin’ good fun. This next race is going to be awesome too. As soon as I get unpaused… …Which is… like… TAKING FOREVER… sheesh… it’s been a whole two minutes… come on, come on, come on, come on!!!! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Hey, Gotta Race! Laters!

So the Wii is out, and guess what? No Mario game! And what’s worse, no Luigi game!

When I heard the Wii was coming out I was excited. When I heard that Mario was not going to make it for the Launch I was ecstatic. I started waiting for my agent to call up with news about Luigi’s Mansion II or something like that. Imagine, swinging a Wii controller around like a flashlight. Is that not cool or what?

I wait for two weeks, don’t hear a thing from my agent, and decide to give him a call. Two weeks is a long time to not hear from your agent, especially when you think there is a new title for you to be in.

Me: “Hey, Charlie! What’s happening man?”

Charlie: “Hey… Luigi? How are you doing bud?”

Me: “Hey, the Wii is launching soon. You hear anything about a Launch Title?”

Charlie: “Wii Launch title? Hmm… I can’t say I have. I heard something about Link being in the Wii Launch. Nothing about you though.”

Me: “Oh.”

Charlie: “Are they really going to call it the Wii? That’s crazy! I don’t see how that’s going to sell.”

Me: “So any new gigs at all?”

Charlie: “Sorry Bud! Nothing new on my end. I was pushing for that Mario Part 23, or whatever it’s called, but Toad isn’t signing on. He says he’s getting to old for the party scheme.”

Me: “…”

Charlie: “Hey Bud, I gotta run! I’ll catch you later though!”

Man, I need a new agent. This is just crap. No new Wii launch titles. I mean, come on! I’m getting sick of the whole Mario Party scheme, but at least it pays the bills.

Zelda?!?! Zelda gets a launch title?!?! Come on! How many Zelda games do you need, wasn’t like three enough? Super Luigi World is bound to be the next big thing. Hey, I’d even settle for Luigi-ware Inc, or Luigi-Kart. Diddy Kong even has his own racing game… A bunch of jerks, the whole lot of them.

Maybe I’ll go start work on Luigi-Pinball…