Blogging While Paused

The only thing I hate more than noobs, are noobs who think they can take on Legendary. These people come in, having never played Halo before. Never! In fact, some of them have never even played a first person shooter. This is the generation that grew up on Pokemon.

And it’s killing me.

Literally.

Legendary is called “Legendary” for a reason. And this reason is: IT’S REALLY FREAKING HARD!!! Let’s not forget that. Legendary is a mode made for people who spend their entire life playing Halo and have become so good at the game that they can play through the entire thing blindfolded. And even then, it’s a challenge!

When these newbies come on and start playing Legendary, I die. Not just once, no, I die multiple times. Over and over again.

Dying is painful! I’m not going to lie. Getting shot in the head 18 times in a row, is not only humiliating, but very painful. It hurts! I’m assuming most of you have never been shot in the head. In fact, most of you have never really been shot at all. But this is my life. I am constantly being shot at, and I am constantly shooting back. But if I am at the mercy of someone who doesn’t know what they are doing, I’m going to get clobbered.

So  do me a favor, stick to the easier levels until you know what you are doing. Please!

My body is numb. I feel all tingly. I think I played two dozen soccer games today… which I estimate to have sent roughly 18 hundred Gig-a-watts through my poor body. Every time I got the ball I was smashed into the wall. I finally began running away from the ball, but even if I was on the opposite side of the field, there was always someone there shoving me against the electric fence of a wall.

I have 3 dozen bones in my body. I counted them. I had ample opportunity to count them. I could see every one of them glowing bright white inside of my quickly cooking body. I’m beginning to smell like sautéed mushrooms. Maybe I should just go bathe myself in butter.

I was tidying up my room the other day, and I found this account written on a page in one of my many notebooks by my bedside which covered one of the 14 degrees of art I have. (Woodrow Wilson scholarly my foot, but that’s a rant for another time!) Memories. Hmph!

3/8/2001
Well, now I’ve done it. While Mario was off on another of his adventures (I think he calls it “Paper Mario”), I secretly installed a trap door in the floor of the bedroom and constructed a cellar underneath it. I’ve been keeping a diary down there as my own little secret. Something to do while he’s away. So why aren’t I writing this entry in that diary, you ask? Two words: I’m stuck.

That’s right, while trying to drop through my trap door, I got stuck in it. I’ve actually been here for three days now. My periodic flailing has finally gotten me a notebook and a pen from a table to give me something to relieve the madness. So now I’m just waiting here for something to happen.

Mario hasn’t come home in weeks. I haven’t eaten, slept, or changed my clothes since I’ve been here. I miss my toes. I left spaghetti cooking before I went to the basement, foolishly believing I would be back in five minutes. The house is now fragrant with a light scent of spaghetti, mixed with a heavy dose of over used hot metal and burnt noodles. The pot of sauce has been overflowing, and the puddle grows closer to me every day (though I shudder to think what the kitchen looks like). I think I heard a meatball explode yesterday. Dust is gathering on every shelf I can see, and I long to clean them sooo badly. I left a window open, and birds have started to land on the window sill. My poor notebooks which I left by the window! Why do I leave them by the window?!

The next time Mario goes off to adventure, I’m finding some diversion to keep me out of the house. I’ll hire some help to take care of those dusty shelves while I’m gone, but I seriously don’t think I can afford to have this happen again. Maybe I’ll take a cruise and tour the Mushroom Kingdom. Maybe I’ll get lucky enough for a fair to roll by. Heck, if I have to, I’ll check
into a hotel in town and play tourist right here.*

Maybe if I’m really lucky, I’ll get a letter that sends me off on an adventure to a far away place.* Then I’ll be the one with many great tales while Mario
stays home to watch things. Then he’ll build and subsequently get stuck in a trap door and I’ll just laugh and laugh and laugh!*

All of a sudden I’m noticing things seem a lot taller. Is my malnutrition and lack of rest causing me to atrophy into shortness? Mario, if I don’t get out of this, I just want you to—————-~~~~~ (The rest of the page is one large scrawl as a result of falling through the trap door.)

Luigi’s notes:
I later wrote a short entry about this account in the diary I mentioned.

* 3/11/2001: Now that I’ve eaten and thought about it, it might make more sense to do this in some of the places Mario’s adventured through.
* 10/14/2004: I was shocked today when this happened. However, it turns out Mario got a similar letter just days earlier! (Paper Mario 2)
* 6/10/2007: I found this page again. Um… I didn’t mean the last statement that I put a star by, Mario. I was tired and hungry! Please don’t hold it against me!

I am ready to cry. I really am. I just want to break down and bawl for awhile. (Not to be confused with Brawl, which isn’t out yet…)

I have been paused for 3 weeks.

THREE (3) WEEKS!

I’ve been standing here, on the beach, for 3 weeks. That’s 21 days. That’s 504 hours. That’s 30240 minutes. Which is equvilent to 1814400. You wanna know how bored I am? I did all that math in my head! SIX TIMES!!! I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m BORED OUT OF MY MIND, and I have a REALLY BAD SUNBURN!!!

Who leaves a game paused for 3 weeks?!?!? This is worse then solitary confinement. The first few hours were fun. I got to hang out here on the beach, soaking up the sun rays, enjoying the sound of the ocean. I started to worry at the 12 hour mark. After you’ve been paused for 12 or 16 hours, you begin to wonder, but you realize that you’ll probably be unpaused soon.

Little did I know, I would be spending THREE STINKING WEEKS paused. My skin is as red as my hat. This sun is deadly. This is like, “I’m going to need a new body,” bad.

I’m angry, I’m stinky, I haven’t slept in days. I’ve tried, I really have. At first I could, but I’ve been through so much, I just can’t take it anymore!!!

I ThInK I Am GoInG cRaZY!?!!!!

SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEE!!!

PLEASE!!!!

…somebody… … someone…

*sobs*