Blogging While Paused

I must be having a run of bad luck. First I got stuck in the trapdoor to the basement. Then I got stuck in a castle while rescuing the princess. After that, I wound up stuck in the background plotting revenge against DK. Well, it’s pretty ironic this time. I’m stuck in the trapdoor again. Yeah, the one that goes to the basement.

I thought I filled this hole with cement! I mean, yes, evidently I was wrong, but seriously! Do you know what it’s like getting caught in the same impromptu trap twice?! Call it frustrating, aggravating, humiliating, and just not very pretty. I was just catching up on some reading, set the book down to close the window, and BAM! The floor boards on an axle give way beneath my less-than-stellar weight.

There’s quite a bit of regret spinning through my mind right now. If I had gotten that window closed, I wouldn’t be up to my mustache in snow right now. There also wouldn’t be a squirrel in my refrigerator eating the pie I baked last night. It was even this awesome recipe for apple rhubarb pie I found on http://apatheticthursday.net! Lousy squirrel can’t appreciate the skill and effort that went into constructing it. Bothers me more than the snow. What’s a squirrel doing out and about when it’s snowing, anyway?

I wish I had that book back, too. I was just working my way up to the climactic scene! It was bothering me for a little while, but after I’ve been away from it, the ending is starting to become pretty clear to me. I’ve got it narrowed down to three possibilities. I figure that Professor Peru is going to come forward and admit to murdering the ambassador. If that doesn’t happen, that means the zoo keeper has been running an illegal brewery under the mountain, which will turn out to have been a land fill long ago. If neither of those cases are true, we get a big reality change, because that means the entire middle chronicle was really a dream imposed by the warlock, who turns out to the real deal after all. The only problem then is that I have no idea what kind of clue the arrow with a stone head found in the graveyard was. It’s pretty bizarre, but there isn’t much left that can surprise me.

*Sigh.*

You know, I’m remembering something out of Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga right now. It’s RPG-style, and they have standard statistics like HP, Attack power, Defense, and all that good stuff. Then there’s the odd-ball statistic: ‘Stache. That’s right, as you go, you can improve your mustaches. There’s even a nice coffee shop—Star Beans—where you can buy coffee that improves your mustache further. Actually, there were going to be guest appearances there by folks like Link and Star Fox and Wario and Captain Olimar, but they got cut. Link was even going to give you the Triforce, but they renamed it the “Great Force” instead. My point in all this is that a frozen mustache probably isn’t that high up there as far as statistics go.

Thinking back, I know I saw a cement truck come by and start pouring cement. Now I’m afraid to find out where it ended up. Next time I’ll make sure it goes to the right place. The only thing I wonder is how I’m going to get out of here and fill the basement up without Mario finding out. This time he’s only gone for as long as it takes to come back with a newspaper. This time, even if I slip through, though, the trampoline I used to get out is gone. This is going to take some serious brain power…

If anyone has an idea they can get to me before Mario gets back, I’m all ears.

Hey, Mario! You’ll never guess what happened while you were out at the market this morning! Or were you jogging? Ah, I can’t remember. Anyway, while you were gone, a letter arrived from the Princess that said she’d been kidnapped by Bowser!

Well, since you weren’t around, I figured it was up to me to face Bowser at his castle and bring the Princess home safely. You should’ve seen the fight we had! There were fireballs and hammers flying every which way! Well, after some time, I came up with this brilliant plan. See, we were fighting on a bridge over a pool of lava, and I noticed next to the ropes supporting it, there was a fine looking axe. It was just sittin’ there, totally unguarded! So, watching Bowser’s movements carefully, I managed to distract him, then jump over him, grab the axe, and cut that rope! The bridge came down, and Bowser fell into the lava (which I’m sure was actually intended for me…).  He didn’t look particularly uncomfortable in there, but he couldn’t climb back out, so he was giving me a pretty chilling glare.

Well, normally this is the part of the story where the hero rescues the fair damsel and escorts her home in triumph, right? Well, I’ve come across a bit of a snag in things… See, I’m here with the Princess right now, but since the bridge is kind of out of service, we can’t get out. There’s no back door, or else I would have come in that way. Tunneling is out of the question (trust me—that’s why we don’t have the axe anymore). And even if we found a way back across the lava, not only is Bowser just waiting for his opportunity, but there’s a multitude of difficult jumps we’d both need to accomplish.

The Lakitu I’m talking to says he’ll have this message delivered in 6 to 8 weeks. (I hope he’s joking.) He recommended we survive by eating sawdust and chewing leather, neither of which we have access to. Who eats things like that anyway? I tried to upgrade delivery to the priority service, but he wanted 80 coins for that. Now I admit I snagged a few on the way over here, but avoiding a fiery fate at the hands of Bowser’s minions takes a few bribes, you know what I mean? Peach says she couldn’t manage to grab her purse before Bowser captured her, so she’s broke. I tried saying her crown would be worth at least 80, but he wouldn’t buy it. And, of course, he couldn’t ferry us out on his cloud, ‘cause that would only rank 8.5 out of 10 on his “Safety Scale”, which comes out to being only “Extremely Safe” and not “Perfectly Safe”. (Hey, you don’t think he’ll actually read the message that complains so much about him, do you?)

If you have any time or ideas, I’d really appreciate a quick visit from you right about now. I’ve got a single Gameboy Advance on me, so hopefully that’ll keep both of us well enough entertained for a while. (Please hurry—I think Peach likes to cheat in hot-seat mode.) I’m fairly sure I disabled most of the cannons when I came through, so your trip should be reasonably safe. Oh yeah, and don’t forget about Bowser on your way here. He might still be kinda mad.

By the way, has this kind of thing ever happened to you? Hope to see you sooner rather than later…

Luigi

Okay, I need help. Major help. If anyone is even remotely capable of holding and firing a bow and arrow, please contact me ASAP! I’ve been riding around Hyrule Field for 45 minutes trying to give Zelda a good shot at Ganon. BUT SHE NEVER DID!!!

“I’m too far away!” or “It’s too bumpy!” or “It’s not the right angle…”

IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE A FREAKING PERFECT ANGLE!!! JUST SHOOT THE MAN!!!

Okay, I’ll admit it. I lost my temper. I was pretty far gone, and I really should have stepped back and counted to 10. But I didn’t, and you know what?

You know what she did? Do you know, what SHE DID to me?

She shot me!

She Shot ME! Right in the back of the head. Point Blank.

SHE SHOT ME!I just can’t believe she shot me!!!

“Well, if I’m not good enough, do it yourself.” She said. And she left.

BUT SHE SHOT ME!!!I don’t even think that she hesitated. I mean, I’m trying to save the world, nay, universe, and she shoots me! What’s up with that?

Anyway, I need help and I need help fast. I’ll be riding around Hyrule Field until someone shows up to help out.

Thanks much!