Blogging While Paused

It may seem simple enough. You invade a country, capture a princess, things like that. But the things that you go through behind the scenes are hard. Running Hyrule while some kid in a green tunic is ruining your plans is not simple. Especially when you go through all the trouble of releasing those things. Have you ever tried to revive an ancient fire dragon while at the same time trying to organize your minions? Or release a monster amoeba to freeze a race of people under a block of ice? It isn’t easy. And when the hero comes and destroys all the work you’ve done, it’s aggravating. There are a lot of times where I wish I could have just gone out to find Link before he had what it took to defeat me. But I was always busy with other things. If it wasn’t letting yet another monster  [ Read More ]

All right, so there are these things called hacks out there, all right? They change how a game works. See, the problem with that doesn’t really come into play for you gamers. Sure, it might mess up your game a bit, crash the console, whatever, but think of us for once, okay? Next time you want to change how I look so you can play as someone who looks a bit like Jeff, don’t, all right? His glasses are so thick that they stop bullets in mid-flight. My eyes hurt for hours afterwards. I mean, sure, if you want different music options and the like, fine, be my guest. We need more music. But for the love of all things holy, stop messing with us characters. We work our butts off daily to give you gamers a good time, usually by beating each other up. We’d really appreciate you making  [ Read More ]

“Don’t go fight Sephiroth.” “You’re not ready to fight Sephiroth.” “Sephiroth is sooo hard to beat.” So I don’t always listen to you, fine, but you know what? I want to make my own mistakes. And you know what? I have. I’ve made a lot. That’s right, a lot, how many of your friends did you have killed today? I thought so. Now shut up and listen. I will tell you right now, Sephiroth is not scary, not difficult, and definitely not a threat to humanity. This monster couldn’t attack a stone statue. (trust me, I know. Tifa has been petrified for half an hour, the useless… … Anyway.) Sephiroth is a vain minded, beauty motivated, egotistical, brain dead, pansy. I’ve been fighting him for an hour and let’s take a look at his last 10 moves: heal, heal, heal, attack (for 800 damage), heal, heal, heal, heal, heal, and  [ Read More ]

Well, if you saw the princess’s castle from the outside, you’d think it was a sturdy, well-built, artistic piece of architecture made to last for ages, right? It looks pretty nice from the inside, too. They really went all-out with the stained glass windows, plush carpets, ceiling-hangings, fancy mirrors, and all those portraits. So… I ask you… Why didn’t they spring for a decent set of bricks?! I know they don’t look that bad. They keep them nice and white-washed and everything. Still, just underneath that shiny exterior, the sturdiness is a joke. It’s better in some places than in others, but it needs constant repairs just to stay standing! Who do you think is responsible for those repairs? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a Hammer Bro. When I’m at home, I usually shudder when it starts raining. I just have to hope nothing comes apart before I  [ Read More ]

This is an outrage! I thought I was doing well in Megaman 9 and 10. I thought I had impressed them in Marvel vs. Capcom 2 with my special attacks. But no, I’m ended up being excluded from Marvel vs. Capcom 3. I mean, it wasn’t bad in Tatsu-whatever vs. Capcom, one of my advanced forms appeared in it as a playable fighter, alongside Zero. But in Marvel vs. Capcom 3, I was never featured! This is the first time they excluded the series’ main hero in their entire history. I understand why Tron had to stay, but why does ZERO get to stay? He’s not Mega Man! Just because his colors can be changed to Mega Man X’s doesn’t make him the hero of the entire series. You know another mistake Capcom made? I’m replaced, but they let a zombie and a zombie killer fight? Chris may be good  [ Read More ]

That’s right. I eat pie. I love pie. I just can’t get enough pie. I’m a pie snob. A connoisseur of pastries. (You don’t become the King of the Koopa’s by eating salads and munching lettuce.) Now, I have some of the best pie and pastry cooks hidden away in my various castles. At least, that’s why I try to keep them. Until someone gets it in his mind that he wants some cake. (I won’t make a cake joke here, but I know you’re thinking it.) A good Peach pie is much better than one of her cakes. When you’re king, you really get a taste for food. You know what’s good and what’s not. You get treated to the finest dining in the whole created universe. A low brow plumber doesn’t know a thing about food, and if all he is craving is a little of Peach’s cake,  [ Read More ]

Okay, I’ve been at Donkey Kong Country Returns for a while now, and BOY! Am I mad! Don’t get me wrong, things started off just fine. DK and I were having a blast taking down anyone who got in our way. I had my Rocket Barrels and Peanut Popgun, so I was kind of running circles around him. Tried not to make him feel too bad. Then we got to the tough levels. It was getting kind of insane for both of us to navigate everything and still stay together, and DK was having trouble making it at all, so I hopped up on his back and used my Rocket Barrels to help him out. I felt… just plain useless up there! I went from buddy to backpack in an instant! I didn’t sign up for this just to be a spectator! I wanted to get in there and help!  [ Read More ]

I’ve got to get this off of my chest: I feel like my fan base has really turned it’s back on me. I mean, I know you guys and gals love me, but you have NOT been showing it lately. OK, so now everyone is freaking out. “OMG, did we miss his birthday?” (Yes.) “What new Dedede game did we miss? Which voice actor don’t we know about?” No, no, no, no, it’s nothing like that. Everyone knows what I’m talking about. They’ve all seen it, heard about it, and about 87% of you lifeless nerds have played it. Rather, played them. I’m talking about the Super Smash Brothers series. The first game was pretty cool. I thought it had a decent amount of characters with different abilities. My favorite was probably Link, or maybe Captain Falcon. However, something bugged me about it a lot. I was supposed to be  [ Read More ]

I always thought Nintendo was getting worse and worse with their new-fangled technologies coming out. I suppose I can understand adding more buttons to a controller, long as they’re all within easy reach. Not sure I’m ever gonna forgive ‘em for that broken-looking control stick they added on, or for the button hidden on the other side of that handle, but I guess they straightened it up a bit after that. But really, if they had to add even more buttons, shouldn’t they have at least kept them as buttons, instead of adding another control stick on the other side? Seriously, make up your minds, people! This next generation of consoles is going even further out of bounds, what with their clunky motion detection controls, and their fancy touch screens… When I was in my prime, touching the screen could get you thrown out of the arcade! And I tell  [ Read More ]

It has been a while, but when I came back from Patchland (yep, that’s where I have been, due to a evil wizard named Yin-Yarn, who had sent me to Patchland in a magic sock, and transformed me into yarn, but that problem’s taken care of), there happened to be a lot of arguments from the main Nintendo Characters. First off, I agree with Ness that us “little heroes” should have more games (That also goes to the Ice Climbers and Lucas). Link should also have more games, but do sports and party games really fit the medieval time in Hyrule? That’s up to Link. True, Mario’s appeared in a lot of games, but that doesn’t mean that I disagree with him. His games are famous throughout the years, and it isn’t going to change.  Still, I sometimes wish I was a playable character in Mario Kart, but it doesn’t really matter… If that  [ Read More ]