This is an outrage! I looked at the Smash Bros blog a while ago, and you know what I found out? I’m not in the starting line-up. I’m not a secret character. I am an assist trophy.
Now at first this wasn’t all that terrible. At least they took the time to draw me with all that detail. They even got my good side. But you know what really did me in? Guess what I saw when I checked it two days ago? They added Pikmin & Olimar to the starting cast!
I mean, seriously! This is unbelievable! Did you read what he said about the Pikmin? Oh, yeah, and try this one on. You got a quarter? Go get a quarter. Hold it up. That’s how tall the space captain is. And the Pikmin are smaller. Come on! This guy has appeared twice since 2001, and I’ve been going at this so long, I—
You know what it is? Every game I’ve ever appeared in could be labeled a spin-off. No adventures. I mean, you could call my appearance in Mario Tennis for the Gameboy an adventure, but ALL the Mario series characters were pretty much making cameo appearances in that one! And my part was humiliating. I sounded like a snake! “Yeessss… Thaaas-a riiiight…” What’d I tell ya? Humiliating.
But what? Did they think they were lacking for moves or something? Look at all the stuff I’ve done! I spin like a tornado. I cause thorny plants to grow from nowhere. I lie and cheat. I set nasty traps. I steal. I clunk people with disguised eggplants. I swim! Into the air! I was even going to be the antagonist in Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, but that never even got off the ground! That’s surely enough to draw four special moves from! Wario made the starting line-up, and he FARTS!
You know something else? I don’t get this bit of confusion at all. There are some sources that say just like Luigi (lousy no-good spotlight stealin’ little…) is Mario’s twin brother, I, too, am Wario’s brother. Other sources say I am not. Are you kiddin’ me? This one is totally obvious!
Maybe they’re accusing me of being under-developed as a character. But really, how much do you know about any Mario series character? Age? More than one family member? I think they used to tell us about stuff they liked… maybe. And any game that involves the kind of talking that requires you to read it, then press A (say, Super Mario 64) or shows text on-screen while characters speak it (Super Mario Sunshine), big high and mighty mister Mario doesn’t say a blasted thing! And Luigi’s (spineless cheese-lovin’ puny little…) voice wasn’t what it is now until Mario Kart 64. And there’s been confusion since then (his voice is the previous Smash Bros games was just a speeded-up version of Mario’s). And I’m under-developed?
The release date for the new Smash Bros game was already pushed back once, but don’t be surprised if it happens again. I do have this new bubble gum bomb I’ve been dying to try. Heh heh heh heh…. Watch your back!
