It started when I was, uh… escaping—I mean, attending, uh, leaving—a business meeting with some locals in the alleys. As I waited around a corner for them to run by, I ran into an old green rapper lady. (I think she was a rapper anyway; she spoke in apparently pre-meditated rhymes.) She showed me a treasure map and said it led to rare stuff that is incredibly difficult to find. I was a bit skeptical that eggs and ice (real ice, not diamonds) were rare treasures, but she assured me that they were really valuable. I bought the map, loaded up some supplies for the trip, and took Wario to the place the map said to start: an old witch’s lair at the top of a mountain. The bridge needed to be fixed, so Wario had a lot of work to do before we could even start looking…

We knew we were lost as soon as the map said “straight ahead”, and there was a statue of the lady who sold me the map in front of us pointing to our left and right. I handed the map to Wario as I pondered the situation. I resolved that I would definitely never buy an eleven dollar treasure map in a back alley again. I asked Wario to hand me the map so I could see if we just made a wrong turn or something. I figured we were doomed when I saw that Wario was chewing and swallowing a piece of parchment.

Since then we’ve been wandering about, trying to figure out which way we came in. You’d think re-tracing our steps would lead us out, but even when we turned around there were junctions! Not only is it confusing, but it’s a dangerous place. Some of the danger you’d never see coming. When a tombstone stood up and ran invitingly toward us, we ran for it right away. I mean, yeah, some of the dangers are obvious. I told Wario not to smash a beehive when it was surrounded by bees! Of course, that’s not to say I’m not guilty of causing him to slip off of a dock into piranha infested waters, but come on! Piranhas aren’t supposed to bite things that are alive! Everyone knows that!

Oh, yeah, and get this. Remember the lady who sold me the map and then was a statue pointing our way? She keeps rhyming at us as we wander around being lost. We also found a fairy lady, and it looked like “Oh, good, here’s someone who can help us!” Sounds good, right? All she did was tell us about her sister’s disgusting secrets that I can never un-hear! Can you imagine how little I care right now that she hangs her dirty underpants from her ceiling and takes them to bed with her when she sleeps on a pile of treasure or in a dumpster?! This is useless knowledge!

This place brings up the age old question of how villains survive in their own lairs. We’ve gone from a sandy dry desert, to a freezing frozen tundra, to a room full of boiling lava in less than a minute! I can’t figure out how you’re supposed to dress around here! And did I mention there are rooms you have to swim underwater to get through? It’s crazy!

After a while, we sat down and went through what supplies we had. Now I’m not sure what kind of venture Wario thought we were setting out for, but clearly we weren’t on the same page. You wanna know what I pulled from his supplies? I found a pound of bricks, a bowling ball, some rope, a shovel, Toad, mayonnaise, more rope, and a handful of Kwerky brand turkey jerky between two slices of bread. It’s no wonder he ate the map.

One of the rooms we walked into looked like a peaceful wooded area. As we were taking it all in (and hoping to get our bearings), this giant blue bull charged me in the back! Wario quickly beat it into submission. About a minute later, the stupid thing attacked me again! Wario was able to wrestle it down. After an hour or so, we decided it wasn’t going to stay down, and evacuated from the area.

After that, we walked into an area that had a board-game style floor in a game-show style room. We thought the way out might be beyond it, but as soon as we set foot on the first square, our famous green rapper lady started rhyming a question to us. We quickly found out we didn’t know anything. After a few lucky guesses, we hit one square where she asked us a question about one of the revolting secrets the fairy told us! Once we spotted a square with a skull that had glowing eyes on it, we decided to bolt. We certainly didn’t come in this way, so hopefully the way out isn’t that way.

Our current status is that we’re getting tired, the ropes are broken, Toad ate Wario’s jerky, all of us hate bulls now, I’ve forgotten what the sun looks like, and none of us have any idea which way is out. Sounds about like par for the course, to me…

Now at first this wasn’t all that terrible. At least they took the time to draw me with all that detail. They even got my good side. But you know what really did me in? Guess what I saw when I checked it two days ago? They added Pikmin & Olimar to the starting cast!

I mean, seriously! This is unbelievable! Did you read what he said about the Pikmin? Oh, yeah, and try this one on. You got a quarter? Go get a quarter. Hold it up. That’s how tall the space captain is. And the Pikmin are smaller. Come on! This guy has appeared twice since 2001, and I’ve been going at this so long, I—

You know what it is? Every game I’ve ever appeared in could be labeled a spin-off. No adventures. I mean, you could call my appearance in Mario Tennis for the Gameboy an adventure, but ALL the Mario series characters were pretty much making cameo appearances in that one! And my part was humiliating. I sounded like a snake! “Yeessss… Thaaas-a riiiight…” What’d I tell ya? Humiliating.

But what? Did they think they were lacking for moves or something? Look at all the stuff I’ve done! I spin like a tornado. I cause thorny plants to grow from nowhere. I lie and cheat. I set nasty traps. I steal. I clunk people with disguised eggplants. I swim! Into the air! I was even going to be the antagonist in Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, but that never even got off the ground! That’s surely enough to draw four special moves from! Wario made the starting line-up, and he FARTS!

You know something else? I don’t get this bit of confusion at all. There are some sources that say just like Luigi (lousy no-good spotlight stealin’ little…) is Mario’s twin brother, I, too, am Wario’s brother. Other sources say I am not. Are you kiddin’ me? This one is totally obvious!

Maybe they’re accusing me of being under-developed as a character. But really, how much do you know about any Mario series character? Age? More than one family member? I think they used to tell us about stuff they liked… maybe. And any game that involves the kind of talking that requires you to read it, then press A (say, Super Mario 64) or shows text on-screen while characters speak it (Super Mario Sunshine), big high and mighty mister Mario doesn’t say a blasted thing! And Luigi’s (spineless cheese-lovin’ puny little…) voice wasn’t what it is now until Mario Kart 64. And there’s been confusion since then (his voice is the previous Smash Bros games was just a speeded-up version of Mario’s). And I’m under-developed?

The release date for the new Smash Bros game was already pushed back once, but don’t be surprised if it happens again. I do have this new bubble gum bomb I’ve been dying to try. Heh heh heh heh…. Watch your back!