I mean, sure, if you want different music options and the like, fine, be my guest. We need more music. But for the love of all things holy, stop messing with us characters. We work our butts off daily to give you gamers a good time, usually by beating each other up. We’d really appreciate you making sure that we can wake up the next morning without a new face and inhumanly long, spindly legs. It took Dr. Mario a half hour to get Pikachu to recover from a heart attack when someone implemented the Pikaman hack the first time.

And Peach, Samus, and Zelda? They work ten times as much because they’re the only girls in the roster. Every fanboy that wants his fictional crush in Brawl is going to use one of them, with a few exceptions.

I’d give a few examples of the ‘exceptions’, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by Ganondorf and Wolf. They don’t like me talking about that stuff, for some reason. I mean, they shouldn’t, it was against their will! They could milk this for publicity! Except they’re just sooo preoccupied with the ‘tough guy’ look. I mean, geez, dressing up like Colette Brunel isn’t all that bad, Ganon! You could have had to do Sheena like Wol-

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I’ve just fought off a feral Wolf here… and I’m typing this with one hand. I’m going to see if Dr. Mario can regenerate arms. Toodle-oo.

But that was probably a mistake on my part. I was getting some pretty fierce looks from both of them after that, and before I knew it, they were ganging up on me. I’ve… never had a real appreciation for how fast Sonic is until that moment in time. I mean, he doesn’t really have any way to attack someone from a distance (which I’m pretty good at), but WOW! Does he know how to close that distance fast!

And I can’t figure out the next part at all. Kirby used his Final Smash, and Sonic dodged it! Working together is one thing, and I know Sonic’s fast, but how could he possibly dodge that?!

That was enough to do me in, so I’m not really sure what happened after that. I guess I got what was coming to me in the end there, but that won’t stop me from coming back stronger next time!

Just one more thing, though. What does Kirby PUT in that pot? That’s WAY too hot for boiling water!!!

Of course, I checked up on this site as soon as I got back. It looks like Mario advocated for me in getting another game up. Everyone does realize that Lucas guy has nothing to do with me, right? Even if you call his game a sequel to mine, I still need something else that involves me and my friends. (Heck, maybe he can come with us. I’m open to ideas.) So, big Mr. Link, I don’t care how big you think you are with your “your villain’s name can’t start with G!” talk. If Mario’s on my side, I might even be able to get something as substantial as Spacebound going!

Of course, before I can set out on that, I need to figure out if Mario really is on my side or not! I’m glad he pointed out that there is such a thing as an Earthbound franchise. I happen to have a Ness baseball bat bat myself. Wouldn’t it be cool if I started a game with one of those equipped?! But, Mario! You were in charge of the great ’64 Scandal?! I mean, come on! You were my childhood hero! Still are! How could you, an 84-year-old white haired cane-walking hero (with about 15 pounds of graphics covering it up), lie to me—or anyone—in such a heartless way?!

I mean, yes, I should have realized that what I was looking at was just Diddy Kong wearing my shirt. When I think about it, I should have figured there was no way Chunky Kong could have been Paula using a new spell, even a ‘super powerful rare’ one. And I really should have said something when Diddy swung his tail and they put a picture of my bat over it, saying that was me swinging my bat back and forth. Their lies didn’t end there either. They said Jeff wouldn’t be playable anymore, but would make cool gadgets for you (which is what Funky did). They said Diddy firing red peanuts was me using PK Fire. I think they told the truth about Cranky Kong, but they staged a fight with a beaver claiming that it was classic turn-by-turn RPG style fighting. First Diddy got hit, and this cheesy fake hit point counter went down, then he used his ‘bat” against it and knocked it over, then Mario got me to ‘look over there” while another beaver walked up (they called it the same one), and finally Diddy jumped the beaver’s attack and used ‘PK Fire’ to finish it. I guess I was eager enough to see a cool, new Earthbound game, I somehow didn’t notice all this. Were you behind _all_ these lies, Mario?

And what made you think it was a good idea to show Donkey Kong 64 footage as a new Earthbound game in the first place? I don’t get what you mean about getting what we were promised! I was promised an Earthbound game, not a bunch of levels and moves! Plus, I was promised a turn-by-turn fight with a tiny beaver. Actually, that’s not too disappointing by itself… but what’s the deal with the Super Mario 64 game, anyway? I already own a copy of Super Mario 64! Most people already own a copy of Super Mario 64! I’d prefer you with me over against me, but I don’t need help advertising my own game!

Oh, and to clarify, I am not 8. I am 11.

I’ve suggested Earthbound Cubed, Earthbound Advance, Earthbound DS and Earthbound Wii. Each time Nintendo nods politely, like a grown up listening to a little child tell a story and tells me that they plan to save a spot for me in Smash Bros. I’ve even approached other companies to try to pitch Earthbound PSP and Earthbound 360. Even Dreamcast turned me down.

I say it’s time to chop off Mario and Zelda and Metroid and let some of the small little buds grow up and have a franchise.