Blogging While Paused

My parents sent me to “Spring Camp”. What a joke. You know what Spring Camp means in English? Eight weeks outside in the cold in northern Canada that ends right as spring begins. Our instructor wouldn’t even show us how to make fire until we proved ourselves “trustworthy” by doing meaningless activities first. “Oh, well,” I thought, “at least I’m away from school for a while.” My parents mailed me my homework. Lessons and tests, too. Can you imagine taking a test while being lost in a frozen forest without anything more to eat than trail mix and no fire? And PK Fire wasn’t any help until a sufficient amount of snow melted, and by then all my Psi Points were gone! I’ve never been happier to be back in school again.

Of course, I checked up on this site as soon as I got back. It looks like Mario advocated for me in getting another game up. Everyone does realize that Lucas guy has nothing to do with me, right? Even if you call his game a sequel to mine, I still need something else that involves me and my friends. (Heck, maybe he can come with us. I’m open to ideas.) So, big Mr. Link, I don’t care how big you think you are with your “your villain’s name can’t start with G!” talk. If Mario’s on my side, I might even be able to get something as substantial as Spacebound going!

Of course, before I can set out on that, I need to figure out if Mario really is on my side or not! I’m glad he pointed out that there is such a thing as an Earthbound franchise. I happen to have a Ness baseball bat bat myself. Wouldn’t it be cool if I started a game with one of those equipped?! But, Mario! You were in charge of the great ‘64 Scandal?! I mean, come on! You were my childhood hero! Still are! How could you, an 84-year-old white haired cane-walking hero (with about 15 pounds of graphics covering it up), lie to me—or anyone—in such a heartless way?!

I mean, yes, I should have realized that what I was looking at was just Diddy Kong wearing my shirt. When I think about it, I should have figured there was no way Chunky Kong could have been Paula using a new spell, even a ’super powerful rare’ one. And I really should have said something when Diddy swung his tail and they put a picture of my bat over it, saying that was me swinging my bat back and forth. Their lies didn’t end there either. They said Jeff wouldn’t be playable anymore, but would make cool gadgets for you (which is what Funky did). They said Diddy firing red peanuts was me using PK Fire. I think they told the truth about Cranky Kong, but they staged a fight with a beaver claiming that it was classic turn-by-turn RPG style fighting. First Diddy got hit, and this cheesy fake hit point counter went down, then he used his ‘bat” against it and knocked it over, then Mario got me to ‘look over there” while another beaver walked up (they called it the same one), and finally Diddy jumped the beaver’s attack and used ‘PK Fire’ to finish it. I guess I was eager enough to see a cool, new Earthbound game, I somehow didn’t notice all this. Were you behind _all_ these lies, Mario?

And what made you think it was a good idea to show Donkey Kong 64 footage as a new Earthbound game in the first place? I don’t get what you mean about getting what we were promised! I was promised an Earthbound game, not a bunch of levels and moves! Plus, I was promised a turn-by-turn fight with a tiny beaver. Actually, that’s not too disappointing by itself… but what’s the deal with the Super Mario 64 game, anyway? I already own a copy of Super Mario 64! Most people already own a copy of Super Mario 64! I’d prefer you with me over against me, but I don’t need help advertising my own game!

Oh, and to clarify, I am not 8. I am 11.

I am really irritated. Ever since Earthbound for the Super Nintendo, I’ve been campaigning for some sort of sequel. I mean, Earthbound is a really fun game and I think it has a lot of potential. Nintendo promised me a game for the N64. They gave me music and showed me video clips of this new game they were making for me. Turns out, they were really just showing me Donkey Kong 64 footage to keep me off their backs.

I’ve suggested Earthbound Cubed, Earthbound Advance, Earthbound DS and Earthbound Wii. Each time Nintendo nods politely, like a grown up listening to a little child tell a story and tells me that they plan to save a spot for me in Smash Bros. I’ve even approached other companies to try to pitch Earthbound PSP and Earthbound 360. Even Dreamcast turned me down.

I say it’s time to chop off Mario and Zelda and Metroid and let some of the small little buds grow up and have a franchise.