Blogging While Paused

Just got done reading a Raving Review of Super Mario 64, I’m still a pretty popular guy, despite what some of you may think.

Best quote from the article:

Even today, despite the dated graphics, Super Mario 64 is still a fantastically fun game. Getting all 120 stars is still a challenge and I’m sure it’d take a good memory jog to even remember where all of them are. It’s just a fun honest game that you don’t need to set aside an hour to play. 12 years later it’s worth keeping the N64 around, even if only for this one game.

Link… Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link… Link, my dear friend… You are much too hard on the boy. There are many good points to the Earthbound series. For starters, playing as a little kid isn’t that bad now and again. I seem to recall a certain someone who spent much of his most recent hit running around collecting bugs. Doesn’t that sound like something a child should be doing? And yes, it may be true that your dad you never see anymore keeps calling you and telling you to stop playing, but he makes up for it by depositing bundles of borrowed cash into your bank account! And who said calling you was a bad thing anyway? And Giygas? That’s the best villain name I’ve ever heard! A lot better than “Bowser”. I mean what is he, a dog? “Heeeere, Bowser! Come get the stick!” Seriously.

Of course, I’m always looking out for the kids’ best interests. That’s why I came up with the idea to thinly veil the Donkey Kong 64 footage and music. This way, the light of hope does not vanish, and when the veil is removed, it’s not too disappointing because they get exactly what they were promised!

Of course, to be perfectly honest, Earthbound already has a franchise. It has a prequel and a sequel, although neither is available outside Japan. I’ve seen the merchandise too: Earthbound plush, Earthbound controllers, Earthbound action figures, Earthbound coffee mugs, Earthbound pencils, Ness baseball bats, Ness baseball bat bats (don’t ask), and Earthbound PSP (that is, a PSP with an Earthbound skin). See? That’s a kid on his way to success! His franchise is already more successful than Star Fox’s, am I right?

I say we let the boy have his U.S. sequel to his sequel! Surely it’ll be better than some of those Zelda games they never released! There is of course, just one point I must disagree with. “I say it’s time to chop off Mario—” I’ve heard enough! Right there! If I get cut down, Nintendo’s going down with me! After all, I AM Nintendo! No, child, I think that instead of me stepping aside for you, we should put a Nintendo 64 in your room with a fully playable version of Super Mario 64 in it. That’ll really attract the fans! Oh, but the rest of the sentence was fine.

I… am… so… OLD!!! Look at me, I fought Cranky Kong when he was DK’s age. And he’s like 65 years older than DK or something. I had to be in my mid 30’s back then. Do da stinking math. I must be 100 years old!!!!!

This can’t be true!  Sure the entire world says I’m old, but come on! I can jump 25 ft in the air on a triple jump. I run faster than most other people. I lift hammers made out of pure carbonized anodized steel. I’ve lifted a dragon by the tail and chucked him 1,000ft into oblivion. I am considered an Olympic athlete in skill. I play a ton of sports. I Party like crazy. I may not be the youngest, most spry guy around, but PLEASE, 100 YEARS OLD!?!?!?

This is crazy. Madness. I am only 76 years old, not 117, not 120, and not 6,000! I will now call my lawyer, and he will set you all straight.

AND I’M NOT 100!!!

TIME Magazine, I would just like to take a moment to thank you for picking Super Mario Galaxy as the #4 game of 2007.

I would like to thank all of my co-characters including Peach and Bowser for helping to make this happen. I would also like to thank all the Lumens and Toads and Toadettes for their stunning performance in the intro scene. I think this was a masterful production and I think we did a great job. Thank you all and I look forward to making 2008 even better!

I would also like congratulate Link on his #7 place for Phantom Hourglass. Better luck next year kid!

Happy New Year all!

Peach, I’m sorry to say it, but that is the worst idea ever. No one is ever going to need to save Mario, ever. And that’s that… well… okay, there was that one time in… oh, and that other time… …when I was missing… …man, I forgot all about that… …those were good times…

But back to my point, no one is going to think that that is a good game. I mean, even the name is clunky and hard to say: “Super Peach World”? Please! Spare me!

Besides, we’ve moved beyond the realm of castles now, we’re in the space age now! We have whole universes to explore, not just lame old castles. You’ll have your time to play golf and tennis and Olympic games, and racing.

Leave the people saving to the professionals.

It happened again. I can’t stand when it happens—literally, I can’t! I’ve been paused in midair. It’s been happening to me since as long as I’ve been able to jump. Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve always enjoyed the whole jumping ability I’ve been granted. But I really don’t like it when I get paused on the way up or down. Does it sound like fun to defy gravity? It is… if, say, you do it right with a Wing Cap or some other method of flying. Sitting there suspended in the air without even being able to dangle is nauseating.

Super Mario 64 is where it really started to get irksome. Some folks heard me complain about how much more comfortable it would be if I could sit down while paused. Looking like you’re sitting down doesn’t help much while you’re in midair. And then came the worst of all: “Hey, let’s try pausing it while he’s upside down! That’ll look funny!” The horror.

Super Smash Bros. Melee brought a new dimension to it with that zoom in feature of pausing. People pausing to check out various cool poses just means I get paused in whole new angles to be observed. And the most horrible is when someone pauses to leave for an hour or two saying “Can I leave it paused ‘til we get back?” Of course, that’s not as bad if I’m on the ground, but think about it: how much more often do you pause in midair than on the ground?!

Super Mario Sunshine offers me some relief. You can’t pause at all unless my feet are planted solidly on the ground. Less people realize you can “pause” with the Z-Button any time in that game, but then at least I can read the brochure of Isle Delfino and not think about the lack of land beneath me. But, oh! I can only shudder as I anticipate what will happen in Super Mario Galaxy when it comes. Am I doomed to be paused while leaping across chasms with miles of nothingness between me and the ground below? The horror.

I am ready to cry. I really am. I just want to break down and bawl for awhile. (Not to be confused with Brawl, which isn’t out yet…)

I have been paused for 3 weeks.

THREE (3) WEEKS!

I’ve been standing here, on the beach, for 3 weeks. That’s 21 days. That’s 504 hours. That’s 30240 minutes. Which is equvilent to 1814400. You wanna know how bored I am? I did all that math in my head! SIX TIMES!!! I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m BORED OUT OF MY MIND, and I have a REALLY BAD SUNBURN!!!

Who leaves a game paused for 3 weeks?!?!? This is worse then solitary confinement. The first few hours were fun. I got to hang out here on the beach, soaking up the sun rays, enjoying the sound of the ocean. I started to worry at the 12 hour mark. After you’ve been paused for 12 or 16 hours, you begin to wonder, but you realize that you’ll probably be unpaused soon.

Little did I know, I would be spending THREE STINKING WEEKS paused. My skin is as red as my hat. This sun is deadly. This is like, “I’m going to need a new body,” bad.

I’m angry, I’m stinky, I haven’t slept in days. I’ve tried, I really have. At first I could, but I’ve been through so much, I just can’t take it anymore!!!

I ThInK I Am GoInG cRaZY!?!!!!

SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEE!!!

PLEASE!!!!

…somebody… … someone…

*sobs*