I thought I filled this hole with cement! I mean, yes, evidently I was wrong, but seriously! Do you know what it’s like getting caught in the same impromptu trap twice?! Call it frustrating, aggravating, humiliating, and just not very pretty. I was just catching up on some reading, set the book down to close the window, and BAM! The floor boards on an axle give way beneath my less-than-stellar weight.

There’s quite a bit of regret spinning through my mind right now. If I had gotten that window closed, I wouldn’t be up to my mustache in snow right now. There also wouldn’t be a squirrel in my refrigerator eating the pie I baked last night. It was even this awesome recipe for apple rhubarb pie I found on http://apatheticthursday.net! Lousy squirrel can’t appreciate the skill and effort that went into constructing it. Bothers me more than the snow. What’s a squirrel doing out and about when it’s snowing, anyway?

I wish I had that book back, too. I was just working my way up to the climactic scene! It was bothering me for a little while, but after I’ve been away from it, the ending is starting to become pretty clear to me. I’ve got it narrowed down to three possibilities. I figure that Professor Peru is going to come forward and admit to murdering the ambassador. If that doesn’t happen, that means the zoo keeper has been running an illegal brewery under the mountain, which will turn out to have been a land fill long ago. If neither of those cases are true, we get a big reality change, because that means the entire middle chronicle was really a dream imposed by the warlock, who turns out to the real deal after all. The only problem then is that I have no idea what kind of clue the arrow with a stone head found in the graveyard was. It’s pretty bizarre, but there isn’t much left that can surprise me.

*Sigh.*

You know, I’m remembering something out of Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga right now. It’s RPG-style, and they have standard statistics like HP, Attack power, Defense, and all that good stuff. Then there’s the odd-ball statistic: ‘Stache. That’s right, as you go, you can improve your mustaches. There’s even a nice coffee shop—Star Beans—where you can buy coffee that improves your mustache further. Actually, there were going to be guest appearances there by folks like Link and Star Fox and Wario and Captain Olimar, but they got cut. Link was even going to give you the Triforce, but they renamed it the “Great Force” instead. My point in all this is that a frozen mustache probably isn’t that high up there as far as statistics go.

Thinking back, I know I saw a cement truck come by and start pouring cement. Now I’m afraid to find out where it ended up. Next time I’ll make sure it goes to the right place. The only thing I wonder is how I’m going to get out of here and fill the basement up without Mario finding out. This time he’s only gone for as long as it takes to come back with a newspaper. This time, even if I slip through, though, the trampoline I used to get out is gone. This is going to take some serious brain power…

If anyone has an idea they can get to me before Mario gets back, I’m all ears.

I tell you, those home run bats are killers. I’m also going to tell you that DK is going to be deader than a chewed up Pikmin. When I get my hands on him I’m going to stomp him like a Gumba.

Yup. Just as soon as I’m unpaused… I’ll be KOed into the background and come back fresh and fighting! Yeah! Fighting time. Any minute now…

…

Any time now…

…

I’m going to beat him down… …and throw him off the edge…

…

He’s not going to stand a chance… …

…

Oh, come off it and unpause already!

Well, since you weren’t around, I figured it was up to me to face Bowser at his castle and bring the Princess home safely. You should’ve seen the fight we had! There were fireballs and hammers flying every which way! Well, after some time, I came up with this brilliant plan. See, we were fighting on a bridge over a pool of lava, and I noticed next to the ropes supporting it, there was a fine looking axe. It was just sittin’ there, totally unguarded! So, watching Bowser’s movements carefully, I managed to distract him, then jump over him, grab the axe, and cut that rope! The bridge came down, and Bowser fell into the lava (which I’m sure was actually intended for me…).  He didn’t look particularly uncomfortable in there, but he couldn’t climb back out, so he was giving me a pretty chilling glare.

Well, normally this is the part of the story where the hero rescues the fair damsel and escorts her home in triumph, right? Well, I’ve come across a bit of a snag in things… See, I’m here with the Princess right now, but since the bridge is kind of out of service, we can’t get out. There’s no back door, or else I would have come in that way. Tunneling is out of the question (trust me—that’s why we don’t have the axe anymore). And even if we found a way back across the lava, not only is Bowser just waiting for his opportunity, but there’s a multitude of difficult jumps we’d both need to accomplish.

The Lakitu I’m talking to says he’ll have this message delivered in 6 to 8 weeks. (I hope he’s joking.) He recommended we survive by eating sawdust and chewing leather, neither of which we have access to. Who eats things like that anyway? I tried to upgrade delivery to the priority service, but he wanted 80 coins for that. Now I admit I snagged a few on the way over here, but avoiding a fiery fate at the hands of Bowser’s minions takes a few bribes, you know what I mean? Peach says she couldn’t manage to grab her purse before Bowser captured her, so she’s broke. I tried saying her crown would be worth at least 80, but he wouldn’t buy it. And, of course, he couldn’t ferry us out on his cloud, ‘cause that would only rank 8.5 out of 10 on his “Safety Scale”, which comes out to being only “Extremely Safe” and not “Perfectly Safe”. (Hey, you don’t think he’ll actually read the message that complains so much about him, do you?)

If you have any time or ideas, I’d really appreciate a quick visit from you right about now. I’ve got a single Gameboy Advance on me, so hopefully that’ll keep both of us well enough entertained for a while. (Please hurry—I think Peach likes to cheat in hot-seat mode.) I’m fairly sure I disabled most of the cannons when I came through, so your trip should be reasonably safe. Oh yeah, and don’t forget about Bowser on your way here. He might still be kinda mad.

By the way, has this kind of thing ever happened to you? Hope to see you sooner rather than later…

Luigi

This isn’t an isolated incident. She’s done this before, and not just to me, to anyone who just so happens to be in her way.

The accidents never help her either. It would be one thing if she would run me over and take off to the finish line, or something of that sort, but when she continually is coming up in last place, this isn’t good for anybody!

I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she won’t listen. She says her driving is fine, and she rarely makes any mistakes. She probably has her eyes closed, thats the only real way to explain it.

I don’t know what we can do, but we have to do something, or someone is going to get hurt!

3/8/2001
Well, now I’ve done it. While Mario was off on another of his adventures (I think he calls it “Paper Mario”), I secretly installed a trap door in the floor of the bedroom and constructed a cellar underneath it. I’ve been keeping a diary down there as my own little secret. Something to do while he’s away. So why aren’t I writing this entry in that diary, you ask? Two words: I’m stuck.

That’s right, while trying to drop through my trap door, I got stuck in it. I’ve actually been here for three days now. My periodic flailing has finally gotten me a notebook and a pen from a table to give me something to relieve the madness. So now I’m just waiting here for something to happen.

Mario hasn’t come home in weeks. I haven’t eaten, slept, or changed my clothes since I’ve been here. I miss my toes. I left spaghetti cooking before I went to the basement, foolishly believing I would be back in five minutes. The house is now fragrant with a light scent of spaghetti, mixed with a heavy dose of over used hot metal and burnt noodles. The pot of sauce has been overflowing, and the puddle grows closer to me every day (though I shudder to think what the kitchen looks like). I think I heard a meatball explode yesterday. Dust is gathering on every shelf I can see, and I long to clean them sooo badly. I left a window open, and birds have started to land on the window sill. My poor notebooks which I left by the window! Why do I leave them by the window?!

The next time Mario goes off to adventure, I’m finding some diversion to keep me out of the house. I’ll hire some help to take care of those dusty shelves while I’m gone, but I seriously don’t think I can afford to have this happen again. Maybe I’ll take a cruise and tour the Mushroom Kingdom. Maybe I’ll get lucky enough for a fair to roll by. Heck, if I have to, I’ll check
into a hotel in town and play tourist right here.*

Maybe if I’m really lucky, I’ll get a letter that sends me off on an adventure to a far away place.* Then I’ll be the one with many great tales while Mario
stays home to watch things. Then he’ll build and subsequently get stuck in a trap door and I’ll just laugh and laugh and laugh!*

All of a sudden I’m noticing things seem a lot taller. Is my malnutrition and lack of rest causing me to atrophy into shortness? Mario, if I don’t get out of this, I just want you to—————-~~~~~ (The rest of the page is one large scrawl as a result of falling through the trap door.)

Luigi’s notes:
I later wrote a short entry about this account in the diary I mentioned.

* 3/11/2001: Now that I’ve eaten and thought about it, it might make more sense to do this in some of the places Mario’s adventured through.
* 10/14/2004: I was shocked today when this happened. However, it turns out Mario got a similar letter just days earlier! (Paper Mario 2)
* 6/10/2007: I found this page again. Um… I didn’t mean the last statement that I put a star by, Mario. I was tired and hungry! Please don’t hold it against me!

Bond managed to hack into the Wii Weather Channel this morning, and it’s worse then we figured. The temperature is suppose to be in the 70’s all week! It’s going to be perfect weather for volleyball, baseball, soccer, and frisbee. No one is going to be inside playing video games, this is terrible!

Hmm… maybe we just need a virtual frisbee game… I can see it now. Mario Frisbee! Sign me up Nintendo, this is going to be the biggest hit since Pokemon!

When I heard the Wii was coming out I was excited. When I heard that Mario was not going to make it for the Launch I was ecstatic. I started waiting for my agent to call up with news about Luigi’s Mansion II or something like that. Imagine, swinging a Wii controller around like a flashlight. Is that not cool or what?

I wait for two weeks, don’t hear a thing from my agent, and decide to give him a call. Two weeks is a long time to not hear from your agent, especially when you think there is a new title for you to be in.

Me: “Hey, Charlie! What’s happening man?”

Charlie: “Hey… Luigi? How are you doing bud?”

Me: “Hey, the Wii is launching soon. You hear anything about a Launch Title?”

Charlie: “Wii Launch title? Hmm… I can’t say I have. I heard something about Link being in the Wii Launch. Nothing about you though.”

Me: “Oh.”

Charlie: “Are they really going to call it the Wii? That’s crazy! I don’t see how that’s going to sell.”

Me: “So any new gigs at all?”

Charlie: “Sorry Bud! Nothing new on my end. I was pushing for that Mario Part 23, or whatever it’s called, but Toad isn’t signing on. He says he’s getting to old for the party scheme.”

Me: “…”

Charlie: “Hey Bud, I gotta run! I’ll catch you later though!”

Man, I need a new agent. This is just crap. No new Wii launch titles. I mean, come on! I’m getting sick of the whole Mario Party scheme, but at least it pays the bills.

Zelda?!?! Zelda gets a launch title?!?! Come on! How many Zelda games do you need, wasn’t like three enough? Super Luigi World is bound to be the next big thing. Hey, I’d even settle for Luigi-ware Inc, or Luigi-Kart. Diddy Kong even has his own racing game… A bunch of jerks, the whole lot of them.

Maybe I’ll go start work on Luigi-Pinball…