First off, if you had any clue as to how to treat your enemies you wouldn’t have to worry about them kidnapping the princess every 37 minutes.

When fighting your enemies:

1. Use a weapon! Bouncing on their head is not going to stop them. Trust me, you need a sword, or a boomerang, or a bomb, or a slingshot, or for pete’s sake man, even a net would do. Yeah, yeah, I know, you finally got up the courage to pick up a squirt gun. I’m sure that scared off all the 2nd graders that had kidnapped the princess.
2. Stop playing golf with the person who is responsible for kidnapping the princess!!! I can’t emphasize this enough! This is just stupid. It’s like: “Hey, Bowser, wanna go play golf by the castle. Oh, and by the way, don’t kidnap the princess who is sitting in side!” or even better “Hey Bowser, the princess wants to go golfing wanna come along? Oh, by the way, Don’t kidnap her! Hahahaha!!!” What are you, a lunatic?

I think you’ve done enough, you’ve had your day of glory and it’s time for you to totally let someone young and handsome step in and take over. I mean, aren’t you getting a bit greedy? You have

1. Mario World
2. Mario Party
3. Mario Golf
4. Mario Tennis
5. Mario Baseball
6. Mario Basketball
7. Mario Soccer
8. Mario Olympic Games

If you were really interested in the “kids’ best interest” you would step down gracefully and allow for some new games like

1. Hyrule Party
2. Hyrule Golf
3. Hyrule Tennis
4. Hyrule Baseball
5. Hyrule Basketball
6. Hyrule Soccer
7. Hyrule Olympic Games

Do you know how much freaking fun it would be to play golf on Hyrule Field? Hyrule is a great place for fun activities we have plenty of space and a beautiful location. Why can’t we have some fun for once?

But I think more importantly than that, your plotline is so stereotypical it can’t get much lamer.

“When the chosen boy reaches the point, he will find the light. The passing of time will shatter the nightmare rock and will reveal thee path of light.”

Whoop-de-do. You are the chosen one. If you’re not one of the first people to the table with this idea, you’re seen as passe. I managed to get in before the door shut, but banging your head against the door won’t open it again.

“Giygas”

Sorry, but the main villain needs a better name. And it can’t start with a ‘G’. Too many people have villains starting with the letter g. Why not try using “Levarithan” or “Opoluthon” or even “Kevin” for goodness sake.

“Three things are of the utmost importance: wisdom, courage, and friendship.”

3 Things. You need 3 things, what do you want? A freaking triforce? Please! Surely you can come up with something better than copying me. (Or… maybe you can’t…)

Then one last thing, tell your Dad to stop telling off the gamers. The last thing gamers need is a phone call every two hours tell them they should stop playing. You know what? THEY DID STOP. And they NEVER GAME BACK. Your Dad is probably the sole reason that you never caught on as a franchise. If gamers want to play for 12 hours straight that’s entirely their call, they don’t need your Dad to yell at them and tell them to stop.

I was hanging around my house today, listening to the classic Zelda themes, Kakariko Village, Hyrule Field, Water Temple, you know, all the good ones. When the Post Man shows up with a package for me. Turns out Samas is sending out some complimentary music CDs of Metroid music.

This music is insane! It’s amazing. I mean, I’m extremely partial to Zelda Music, full orchestration, remixes and even the midis. But when I started listening to Metroid stuff… it was so different, it was so… …I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like I just fall into this trance-like groove and time holds perfectly still. I can’t do anything while listening to this music (like doing dishes, riding Epona, killing monsters…) but I really don’t seem to care. It’s like a large dose of apathy hits me when this music starts.

I don’t know how you can focus with this stuff Samus, it’s really amazing music.

“I’m too far away!” or “It’s too bumpy!” or “It’s not the right angle…”

IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE A FREAKING PERFECT ANGLE!!! JUST SHOOT THE MAN!!!

Okay, I’ll admit it. I lost my temper. I was pretty far gone, and I really should have stepped back and counted to 10. But I didn’t, and you know what?

You know what she did? Do you know, what SHE DID to me?

She shot me!

She Shot ME! Right in the back of the head. Point Blank.

SHE SHOT ME!I just can’t believe she shot me!!!

“Well, if I’m not good enough, do it yourself.” She said. And she left.

BUT SHE SHOT ME!!!I don’t even think that she hesitated. I mean, I’m trying to save the world, nay, universe, and she shoots me! What’s up with that?

Anyway, I need help and I need help fast. I’ll be riding around Hyrule Field until someone shows up to help out.

Thanks much!

These fairy people are starting to get on my nerves. I’m working my way down into the cave of ordeals, and it’s those blasted fairies! You talk to them, and their all like “Hey, I never expected you to make it this far. Good job though! If you want to start over, let me know!”

What?!?! Is this the first fairy that doesn’t refill your health? At least partially? I’m the freaking Hero of Light, and you can’t even refill my health!?!? If you want me to save your pathetic little planet, it might help to show me a little courtesy.

And what’s so magic about the number eight? Why do fairies refill 8 hearts? Why not 10? Why not all your health? I don’t understand why 8 is the magic number. It just doesn’t make sense.

These stupid Hylian people don’t know how good they have it. The all carry on about their pathetic little business, while I, single handedly mind you, VOLUNTEER, to save the world. I even save two worlds this time! What do I get in return? Nothing. Not a thing. Sure, I’m no longer in wolf form and precious little what’s-her-face, gets her memory back. But I don’t get any benefits at all! I have to buy my arrows, I have to buy my bombs, I get to scavenge all over tar-nation looking for rupees and trying to find health.

I don’t even qualify for fringe benefits! This is like the most retarded deal ever. That’s why I have decided to quit. I’d like to officially announce that I am going to stop saving the world, until I am shown a bit more appreciation. If you really care about Hyrule as much as you say you do, prove it.

It’s been fun, a nice good franchise, but I think it’s time I retire. I found a nice little island a few clips to the west of my grandparents house, you can find me there when you change your mind.

By the time I get here I have no recollection of what rooms I have been in, and what rooms I still need to go through.

And these stupid jumping spiders keep coming back… grr…

I’ve been at this for 3 hours now… I don’t know… it’s just not working… … … maybe I need a walkthrough…

Maybe he won’t come back, then his older brother can come and we can actually get something done. It’s not like I have all the time in the world. Although maybe it would be better if someone will just hit the reset button and I can forget this whole nightmare. He killed me 5 times. 5 times! And I’m not talking boss battle kills, I’m talking: “Let’s jump off that cliff, because maybe I can make it across this time” kills. It drives me nuts.

You would think that a looser like this might actually be a decent gamer, I mean, if you spend 9 hours a day in front of a game console you expect some improvement, right? That’s usually how it works, I’ve seen it happen before! I’ve seen terrible players go from crappy to mind boggling awesome in a matter of three temples. Why can’t all gamers be this way, why am I always stuck with the losers?

I’m going through rooms with secrets hidden left and right, it’s so blatantly obvious that the walls can be bombed that even my grandma knows what to do… if I had a grandma that is. My history in this game is crappy. I don’t have a family, I don’t have a mom, I don’t even have a dad. I get a tree. Yippee, skippee. A tree, maybe I can celebrate Arbor Day or something. Nothing like being an outcast, it’s like the lonely hero. Why do I have to do everything myself? Look at Cloud! He gets a whole gang of people to help him out. The Donkey Kong clan gets to work together, even Mario get’s a brother. And I get a tree, a tree that dies 10 minutes into the stupid story. That just makes me angry.

Maybe I should just let go and drop to my death once more. It’s not like that kid is going to care. He probably forgot all about me as soon as he got to the top step. He opens the door to the kitchen and instantly I no longer exist. Eat some Mac and Cheese, go watch TV, mommy kicks him outside for a few hours and then sometime tomorrow he remembers that I’m still hanging on the edge of this stupid cliff hoping that someday he will learn how to actually use the controller to… you know.. CONTROL things…

Yeah, I’m sick of this….

EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!