I thought I had everything set up nicely. I figured that my opponent would be distracted by all the food in such obscure places. That would give me a chance to run the straightest path to the goal and grab the moderate amount of stuff that was along the way. I made sure that winning the actual race was worth a lot more than just the food. The thing is, though, for a blob that does nothing but eat and float, Kirby is… a lot faster than you would think. He ate EVERYTHING! AND he won!

Look at what it’s done to me! I’m burning a lot of energy out there with no food to make up for it! I must have lost at least 15 pounds since we started. Or maybe it was 50… For a heavy weight fighter like me, I need that weight to throw around! Bowser’s laughing at me somewhere, I just know it.

I need to go back and re-think this. There are some serious adjustments that need to be made. Maybe I should add some secret food-heavy tunnels that you can’t get into without a hammer… Would that be enough to tip things in my favor?

Listen. I’m the king. I’m not going to let whats-his-face-orn or whosit-idas tell me how to be a king. A king that lets someone tell him what to do ain’t a king, he’s just some idiot with a crown! No! I’m a king, a true ruler. And I wanted to forge my own legacy, and I chose the hammer to do that with for a good couple reasons.

First of all, those little hammer things that judges use? Gravels? No, gales? No… okay, gavels! That’s what they’re called. Anyways, those things, when they come on down on the little wood thingy (I’m not up to looking that up too – does that even have a name, anyways?) then that pronounces justice! That’s what my hammer shows my (mostly) loyal subjects – that I am justice in the kingdom, strong, firm, even-handed justice.

Also, my subjects are usually pretty loyal, subservient folk, but what about when you’ve got to lay down some obedience-inspiring blows around the place? If you’ve got a sword, then pretty soon you won’t even have subjects for long, amirite or amirite? With a huge wallopin’ hammer like mine, you can hold back just a tad and your subjects know who’s in charge.

Finally, can you honestly see me with a sword? It’d have to be a big ol’ sword, something like that Cloud kid’s got, and even then that’s kinda sketchy, y’know? A hammer, a big thing like I’ve got, now that says strength and power.

Once you’ve got all that added up, all that my hammer represents: justice, obedience, and power, well, what does that spell? It spells king, in big, bold letters.

KING

Like so.

OK, so now everyone is freaking out. “OMG, did we miss his birthday?” (Yes.) “What new Dedede game did we miss? Which voice actor don’t we know about?” No, no, no, no, it’s nothing like that. Everyone knows what I’m talking about. They’ve all seen it, heard about it, and about 87% of you lifeless nerds have played it. Rather, played them.

I’m talking about the Super Smash Brothers series.

The first game was pretty cool. I thought it had a decent amount of characters with different abilities. My favorite was probably Link, or maybe Captain Falcon. However, something bugged me about it a lot. I was supposed to be in it.

Did you see playable Dedede? No?

Then we’re on the same page.

I was pretty offended to see that I wasn’t on there. I mean, it’s one blasted thing to not be a starting character, but to not even be unlockable!? In a game with 12 heroes and no villains, they didn’t put me, a king, in. I easily could have replaced Jigglypoof ball, Zoshi, or the lochNess loser. But instead of me, a familiary face, Nintendo puts in a few lesser known, less cool characters.

Eventually, I got over it. I mean, it’s only the best game ever and I’m not in it.

Well, next they made Super Smash Brother Melee. I didn’t really like this one as much, but it was still fun. New options, more characters, and some fun events.

AND STILL NO DEDEDE!!!

I mean, I was on the board to be put in. Why not? They gave Mario and Link villains, but no Dedede. They put in stupid characters like Gdub and those girly Fire boys, but didn’t put me in! They where even going to put in a third party character, Solid Anteater before me. MEEEE!

This time, I didn’t get over it. You wonder why Kirby had no real games on the big TV consoles during that time? It’s because I went on strike.

Then Nintendo grew a brain and FINALLy put me in a game. It was great. More characters, options, and ME! New bosses and modes, a decent story, and ME! More items, online play, and METAKNIGHT! This is all anyone could ever want in a game.

And then you mustard-gobbling Sith Lord wanna-be ink-headed losers call it the worst game in the series? What?

WHAT!!

WUT!!!!!

I don’t care if it has a few flaws in it. If we all forgot how to walk. I’M FINALLY IN A GAME! IT IS THE BEST ONE YET!

And if you dare call yourself a fan of mine, you’d better agree. If my fans’ opinions don’t change; if you don’t all see how shortchanged I’ve been by both Nintendo and some of you, then I’m going to retire again. For good.

I’m not joking (no jk).

So get your stupid acts together, and Dedede spam the crap out of the online Smash Bros Brawl Community.

P.S.: It’s April 17, 1992.

Should I actually be beaten in this game, the winner shall receive the largest trophy ever commissioned in the land, as well as a monetary prize that shall be paid out in the game currency of the winner.

Let the games commence!