Picture this for a second: a set of graphics distinctly exclusive for video games, a simple set of two buttons, title screens that come up in a second without lengthy intros, and more variety than you can fit in six feet of sandwich. That’s right, I’m talking about the glory days of a system we now know as the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Games released for the NES boasted simple design schemes, unnecessary uses for the Select button, ambiguous mysteries with single solutions and few clues, passwords, and instruction books you were actually expected (but not required) to read. As you can well guess, it was brilliantly put together. Choosing a set of five best here is not an easy task, and if any of you ingrates actually know five games from this time, feel free to formulate a top five of your own. As for this old monkey, I’ve chosen Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 3, The Legend of Zelda, and Kirby’s Adventure.
Hm? What’s that familiar sound? Oh, yes. I believe I hear complaining. Let’s see what we’re looking at. “That’s the last straw! Cranky’s a Metroid hater!” Okay, first off, weren’t the actual Metroids the bad guys? But anyway, cool your heels. It’s different this time. As far as NES games go, this one’s a pretty good play. Very difficult. The problem this time is simply what happens when you finish quickly enough. Finish in 3 hours, and Samus takes off her suit to reveal a one-piece bathing suit. Finish in less than one, and the little lady shows off a two-piece ensemble. Either way, you can play again using her in a swim suit. I don’t care if it was 8-bit; it’s the idea that counts. Games didn’t need to pass this kind of thing off then, and they don’t need to deal with it now. If the game took place on a beach, maaaaybe this would be okay. But does this game look like any beach you’ve ever been to? And who the heck is Justin Bailey?!
What else am I hearing? “…Gah! Donkey Kong didn’t make the list! Cranky starred in Donkey Kong!” Both those statements are true, but my true masterpiece was not a title for the NES. Rather, it was an upright arcade game, and you lucky players can experience it for free in Donkey Kong 64. Yes, even these developers do something right, now and then. “What about that Contra game?” For those of you who don’t know about this one, there are a handful of players who think this game is the best thing since sliced cheese. It’s not. It’s nothing but a fast-action shooter with cut scenes ripped out and almost no plot. Your reward for clearing this harder-than-homework game is the word “Congratulations!”. Even the fans complain about that. “Why is Mario getting so much attention?!” Try naming five NES games that everyone will recognize that don’t include Mario. Even some that no one knows (such as Golf) are about Mario!
I have a feeling a number of you are familiar with the Mario titles. Even if you don’t know it, you may have seen (not Super) Mario Bros. It’s in Super Mario Bros. 3, they’re including it in a number of Gameboy Advance releases, and if they’re smart, they’ll put it in the next Smash Bros game. It’s all about racking up your score. While you might be more inclined just to beat it, Super Mario Bros. can be pretty enjoyable with that goal, too. Ever tried completing it without seeing “Game Over” or using a warp zone? Your score can be pretty high. I’d bet you’d also be surprised to find out just how many games make references all the way back to this title. The game we call Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels never made it to the U.S. NES, so I’m not including it here, and Super Mario Bros. 2 was completely different; I’m not even going into it. Super Mario Bros. 3 is where complexity started to really come in. Intricate maps, collectable items, and some nice secrets that are pretty different from what you normally see today make this a pretty memorable title. Here’s the one thing that confuses me: this game was easy enough for kids to pick up, but they haven’t made another one with quite the same style (particularly the flurry of items you could collect and hold). Why do you suppose that is? I don’t even see laziness as a reason for this one.
Well, with Mario out of the way, let’s look at something Mario might have heard of once: The Legend of Zelda. Get out your thinking cap for this one, because this game is packed both with secrets that are and aren’t revealed in the game. How good you are can really influence how this game comes out, because you don’t have to visit the dungeons in order, although you do have to finish the first eight to enter the ninth, provided you can find the blasted thing! Okay, I’ll give you a hint: you need a bomb. Notice, by the way, that there are eight dungeons and a final, rather than seven and a final. Kind of interesting.
That leaves us with Kirby’s Adventure. Here’s another one that’s easy enough for anyone to figure out. It’s also got a few secrets tucked away; no world is complete until it’s a uniform shape, and a door goes white once you’ve found everything. If you’re spoiling for a fight, more challenging versions of the mini-bosses are available, and once you’ve finished, you can try taking them all in a row with a single life. Sound familiar? This is where that one came from. There are few (if any) places that actually require an ability from you, so pick your favorite and go!
That’s what old Iron-Memory Cranky offers on this set of golden oldies. The good news is that of the games mentioned throughout this ramble, all the good ones are on the Wii Virtual Console at five bucks a pop. It might look like it adds up quickly if you’re after a bunch, but if you compare it to how much you spend on the high-tech games or the number of quarters you’d use at an arcade, it’s really not so bad. Of course, everything’s more expensive than I would want it. You know how many games fifty dollars would’ve gotten you when I was a kid? That’s right—zero. There were no games that early on.
Well, save for some bizarre twist of fate, this will be my last “Top 5” critique. But you know me—I can always find something to complain about. For now, I’m turning in; I haven’t slept in days.
