So you thought I was kidding, did you? Well, take heart, because ol’ Cranky’s back with his comments and criticisms (but mostly criticisms) on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and the best five games that new-since-’91 thing has to offer.
I certainly didn’t like the SNES when it came out, believing that they were going completely radical with their fancy new graphics and such. Of course I was right; look at what that started. In retrospect, though, it’s definitely easier to enjoy than those new three dimensional puzzles they call games, because most of what’s there is pretty similar to what came before it. But didn’t it seem like a rip-off to you when they tried selling old games with new graphics? What could be more useless? (For more ranting, visit me in the original Donkey Kong Country game. And don’t press “B”.)
The Super Nintendo was an era of wonderful 2D games wrapped in the fruits of artists who were paid too much for their time. Perhaps the pinnacle of this was the Donkey Kong Country series. (Hey, don’t think I’m biased here; ever seen my instruction booklet comments for these games?) Instead of the redundancy of listing three titles from one series, I thought I’d just lump them together as one. How does that sound? So, my list for this system in no particular order is: Donkey Kong Country Series, Super Mario World, Kirby Super Star, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. In a trend similar to N64 games, I see a lot of titles with “Super” in them.
Let’s dodge a few mines real quick, shall we? “Evil old Cranky left out the Metroid game!” I know, I know, I’m a criminal. I’ll touch on that one later, I promise. It came down to choosing between that and the Zelda title. Which would you have preferred? “No fair! Mario got two places!” Yeah, and that son o’ mine got three. And two of them were games he barely bothered to appear in. Let’s face it—those boys know what they’re doing. I’m not looking for the most famous characters ever (who happen to be there); I’m looking for fun content. And I understand there’s this flame war going on about that psycho-whatzit kid and his Earthbound game. I’m not taking sides here, but something that influenced me was that Diddy can be completely excited about playing it when he starts, and by the time he beats that final bad thing, he’s sick of it. Personally I like a game that tells you when you’ve been playing too long and includes brushing your teeth as beneficial in battle. That’s all I’ll say on it.
So, where should we start? Let’s get this one out of the way: my son’s Donkey Kong Country series. The first one is perhaps the most bare to some of you, because there wasn’t anything to collect over time except bananas. It had hidden bonus areas though, which was a necessary staple of this game that I don’t believe I’ve seen anything quite like in other titles. But the bosses were lame. The unnecessary sequels are where things get interesting. They’ve got stronger, more interesting bosses, coins from the bonus rooms to help you reach the surprise final boss, and money you can collect and give me! I still think Dixie should’ve been the damsel in distress. …I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but it’s my favorite thing they did in this series. On the File Select screen for Donkey Kong Country 3, press: L R R L R R L R L R. You will be prompted to enter a cheat. Enter the cheat TUFST (pronounced “toughest”). Select a new game, finish it, and find everything. When you see something like this on-line, it usually looks like a hoax. Take my word for it—this is genuine. I won’t spoil what happens.
Super Mario World introduced Yoshi and his ridiculously large tongue. It also gave several worlds two ways out. Yes sometimes you would go in circles this way, but there was a lot to find even without collectables. If a world was red on the map, it had two ways out. Remember that. It won’t help you with haunted houses, but remember it anyway. Then there was that Star Road, and then the secret within the Star Road. Things get real confusing after that; complete it at your own risk! Oh, and you think I’m getting forgetful in my old age? Seems Bowser’s children were forgotten after this one. Ah! And here’s a good one! When you go to face that final boss whose name escapes me at the moment, the place was ominously called “Front Door”. It was also a clue about the “Back Door” you could find. Not too shabby, eh?
Kirby Super Star was eight (or nine) games in one. I think this was brilliant. I only had to learn the controls one time (just one!), and I could play almost anything they threw at me. Two player simultaneous compatibility means more fun for more people. There was even an appearance from that Meta Knight fella folks seem to like. This idea is certainly a better alternative to trying to sell all those games individually!
So… We’re back to Zelda, are we? Well, this one was definitely easier to understand than that original Legend of Zelda, so you wimps had it easy. You could even buy tips to figure it out if those blinking marks on your map weren’t enough. And fairies healed you seven hearts—not eight. Seven makes a bit more sense, don’t you think? The bosses? Simple, but not easy. That’s what I think they should be.
I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with Super Mario RPG, but it was made in part by the same folks as Final Fantasy. Oh, yeah, I didn’t put that one Final Fantasy game in here (is it III or is it VI?!) because it just takes too long to get strong enough to conquer the challenges. It’s not bad besides that. But this game was sweet and simple—a good first RPG for anyone. It’s not like the Paper Mario series either, where 8 HP is a big deal. It’s an all-fire RPG with elements of Mario added in. But really, is there ANY good way to earn the Super Jacket? (If you’ve never tried it, you might not want to bother…)
Okay, okay, before anyone gets a good chance to organize the torches. Why didn’t Super Metroid make it? It didn’t have any dialog, and the puzzles had no real clues for you to figure them out. Sound pretty good so far right? Well, this game was the “Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels” for the Super Nintendo, and by that I mean the hardest game on the console. People loved how long it was, too. But the themes are very, very dark, not like sunny old Super Mario. I’m not going to forgive them for their animation when you run out of health, either. Don’t people abuse this sort of thing enough, already? Oh, yeah, and that final boss (which took me ages to reach) has one of the worst attacks I’ve ever seen. If you’re already too low on health, you’re already screwed. It’s also unavoidable, so there’s nothing you can do about it. It does phenomenal damage which I’m pretty sure the boss healed with. An attack this powerful isn’t bad by itself… as long as there’s something you can DO about it! Did I mention that it felt like it was missing a plot where one should have been? And not a title being to be found, either. Still, if you’re looking for a big, long challenge, you might just like it.
Well, I hope I’ve whet your appetite a bit, so try some of these not-so-oldies and give your hands a break from those less-than-intuitive broken-feeling control sticks. I think the Super Nintendo is the best place to find a good side-scroller, too. The NES has the widest variety of games I know about, so I’ll need some time for that one, but tune in next week, when I cover the best five games that have come out for the Gamecube!
