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It’s that time once again. Cranky Kong here, bringing you the greatest of the latest with the top five Gamecube games in circulation.

The Gamecube is beginning to bear some semblance of me: it’s getting old, it’s getting tired, and Nintendo thinks it’s time for it to retire. Not being quite as energetic as me, the ol’ system has decided to step down, meaning no new games are being produced for it. However, with the list officially complete, that means I get to make your judgment for you and pick the five most meaningful meaningless games it has!

Where I thought the Nintendo 64 was bad, the Gamecube got even worse. Instead of giving up and going back to the reliable methods of the previous age, the programmers followed through on their endeavors and smoothed out their danged 3D workmanship. Characters could now have five fingers on each hand. In addition to reaching the peak of graphics, they managed to do something halfway right and made more sturdy control sticks on their controllers, although taking away all those yellow buttons limited some of the potential of the games that were putting them all to use before. (Oh, blast it all! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I hated all those yellow buttons!)

Games on this console introduced new ideas and tried to blend them together with old ones. It’s all too much for me to keep up with, but you kids seem to love it for some reason. An example of something new is those Pikmin games. Is one better than the other? I’ll go through that in a minute. My lumbering son didn’t even sign up for an adventure this time: went off experimenting with those bongos of his. Ah, well. That’s what happens when an entire company disappears. Since they left Nintendo, I haven’t heard so much as a six word sentence about them (and believe me, it’s not hard to spare six words). This is going to look predictable, but I’ve got the means to defend my claims. In an ambiguous order, the top five games are: Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion, the Pikmin games, The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker, and Mario Kart: Double Dash. Quite a light-hearted lot this time around, eh?

Now don’t break out any military satellite control programs yet. I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Cranky left out the Metroid games again!” First off, as much as this cruel, mean old man can, I respect your opinion. Let’s be fair, though. Metroid’s not for everyone. Notice the rating? Point out the most recent T-Rated game you’ve seen here. Besides, this time they looked more like those shooter games than a 2D adventure (or even a 3D adventure!), the music was as scary as the monsters, and a feeling of darkness loomed over everything. As soon as I found out blowing up that planet within the first 15 minutes wasn’t a choice, my interest was gone, and your reward for finishing the game with enough stuff was to see the girl take her helmet off. Maybe with blonde hair. You really want to play hours on end for that? I’m not saying that no one likes them. Metroid games are perfect for some players. (Nobody’s been able to pull Chunky away from it for what’s going on five weeks.) The rest of us though? I don’t think it’s fair to hold us accountable for not being able to screw in a light bulb with a laser cannon. “Cranky left out Super Smash Bros. again!” Its successor is coming soon. Is it out yet? I’m losing track. Go buy that! “Why do Mario and Luigi get so many titles?” Because my son didn’t. Next! “Why are the Pikmin games lumped together?” I told you, I’ll explain that in a minute. Where’s this generation getting their patience from? Certainly not from their grandparents! “Craaaaaaaanky! What about Zelda: Ocarina of Time—Master Quest?” Remember the Disk Drive game that was going to finish the half-hearted Ocarina of Time? Well, this isn’t it. In Japan, it is. The version we got is a toned-down version (only the dungeons have changed). It’s not good enough to mention.

Well, that ought to take care of those arguments. Of course, by the time the Gamecube came out, there were many people who were interested in games; more than when previous systems were new, that’s to be sure. Because of this, there are many more titles that many people know about. That just means that arguments that can be presented are usually good ones (but then, when you argue with Cranky, you need to clear your schedule for the day).

Well, where should we start? Let’s try Super Mario Sunshine, shall we? This is another of those games that you can pop in, start up a complete file, and just play and have fun. There’s a map that shows you where all the areas are, so with a touch of imagination, you can quest from one place to the next. The play style was somewhat familiar from Super Mario 64, but with the punch/kick combo taken out, it was necessary to get used to the new scheme of things. Also, just completing the game was somewhat unintuitive if you didn’t know what to do next. Who would’ve guessed you need to beat the fourth mission of the fourth world to continue? Or the seventh mission of each world just to finish? At least Super Mario 64 gave you freedom of choice! And where’s that lazy good-for-nothing Luigi, anyway?

Oh, here he is. Luigi’s Mansion was the first game for the console, and it wasn’t quite the Super Mario Sunshine people were expecting. I say it was much better. Here we have an old-fashioned style game on our hands! You don’t have to run and jump at just the right moment at a ridiculous angle to have fun here; just watch what happens and react. And there’s a score system, which seems to have died out since the 2D era. Recently I was watching a video from one of my security cameras, and I caught a conversation Dixie was having with Diddy. She said her sister got a high score on Luigi’s Mansion, then played again and tried to beat it, but got the same score again! If you can beat 137,460,000 G, you’ve beaten her. Every coin and jewel counts!

Speaking of treasure, that brings us to those Pikmin games. The first one has good points where you might not expect to find them. First there was the 30 day time limit. Believe it or not, that adds some replay value. When you’re limited by time, content needs to be reasonable. That means you can try it several times in a row and try to best your fastest time. They also put bomb rocks in here, which can be (you guessed it) a blast. The sequel took these things out, which might make play more comfortable, as well as removing all those unnecessary accidental unintended mass suicides. It was all I could do not to laugh harder while pointing at Lanky’s record-breaking loss of 44 Pikmin with bomb rocks, along with three quarters of his health meter. Throw in some new confusing Pikmin colors, and take away the daytime time limit in those underground areas (which doesn’t make any sense at all when you think about it), and you’ve got something like fun. The addition of multiplayer modes might just be enough to give this one an edge over its predecessor. Of course, no one said those little guys ever got any smarter. The final decision is probably up to the player.

That brings us back to Zelda. I think this “toon” version, bright and cheerful as it is, beats the later “twilight” version with its themes of darkness and teen rating. In this edition, dungeons are short and sweet. They’re also few and far between. That leaves most of this depressing oceanic world for you to explore. To make up for the lack of dungeons (I’d swear you could finish the story in three hours), they packed a multitude of side quests. Look for enemy outposts on the ocean. Explore small and large islands all over the place. Decorate the town and your own private island (if you find it). Take pictures of everything. Conquer 50 floors worth of semi-intelligent monsters. And of course, pay with your hard earned savings to play cheap games on corny obstacle courses. If you enjoy the excitement of pirates without all the lethal and unethical factors, you could have a lot of fun with this game. Try exploring the world without any online help; you could go at it for quite a while. The only thing missing with this approach is some kind of finale once you’ve found everything… If it’s too easy for you, there’s always the hard mode.

So, who here has ever heard of Mario Kart? This new one, Double Dash, is a bit easier to look at than its predecessors, despite its advanced 3D graphics. Also, the music doesn’t disappear on you when you incorporate a lot of players. The big attraction here, however, is that each racer has two drivers in it. You can also choose your vehicle independently of the drivers. Aside from the main attraction of racing, there’s a lot of ways to get a laugh here. Arguing drivers, random road trash, oncoming traffic, and any number of hazards can put a bit of a spin on your race. Ever tried racing while cycling drivers at a rate of once per second? And trying everything flip-flopped after you’ve taken so long to get used to it can really throw you. I almost made it in myself, but for some reason the producers turned me away when they realized I was trying to have them build a Rocker-Mobile, not a Rocket-Mobile. What is it with these kids and their jet cars, eh?

There’s a few other quirky titles out there. Animal Crossing? That might be more fun if a certain inevitable cycle didn’t happen. You’re busy for a few days and don’t play. “Oh, that’s no problem; I plan to come back later.” It turns into a week. “Well, my town’s going to be a mess, and everyone will shout at me, and there will be bugs in my house, and I don’t want to deal with that right now!” Before you know it, months have passed. By the time you’re ready to play it again, you can’t remember one blasted thing about that town and find yourself starting a new one. I seen it happen to Funky 54 times now. “Well, there’s Pokemon Channel, right?” Whose idea was it to make a game about watching TV?! Donkey Konga? There’s a few of my critics out there who say the best thing about the game is that I made an appearance. Star Fox Adventures? This looks like someone threw away some old Zelda schematics and Rare recycled ‘em. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance? Would anyone even buy these games if it weren’t for Smash Bros? Besides, the story’s so in depth it’s sickening, and even that’s full of holes! F-Zero GX? Throw in a Rocker-Mobile, and we’ll talk about it. Star Fox Assault? Well, it’s no Star Fox 64… but then, who is? “Oh! What about Sonic Heroes? Surely Sonic can stand up to Mario!” Maybe, but not with this edition. It can get repetitive playing the same game on four difficulties without having to finish any of them once. Oh, and I didn’t say any of these were actually bad; this is just why no single one of them is the top five.

Well, my bones, muscles, organs, tendons, skin, blood vessels, and perspiratory glands are starting to complain to me, so I’m off to bed. I’ve got my work cut out for me trying to figure out which of the old NES games are the best of them. I’ll see you in a week, and don’t steal anything on your way out.

I don’t know what they have been putting in the air these days, but it sounds like somethings going around about Mario and I going golfing on the weekends. Apparently there is a big hubbub over this or something. I don’t know much about what the whole argument is, but I just thought I would chip in and say a few words on behalf of golfing, mainly because I like to golf.

I like to golf. Golfing is a good sport. You get to enjoy nature for what nature is, see the clouds, the trees, the birdies. You get to walk for several miles and shoot the breeze with your comrades. It is a great way to relax and have fun. If you’ve never tried it, I would suggest that you go out and give it a shot sometime. (Pun intended.) Or, if you don’t have a nice sunny day just go out and buy a Wii along with that obnoxious golf-club-shaped Wii-mote holder thingy and pretend that you are going to go golfing.

Golfing is a nice sport, and I don’t think any of you should be against it until you give it a try. True, it might not be up to par with some of your other favorite activities, such as saving the world from monsters that kill humans or evil demons that turn the world into the twilight zone, but it can still be fun if you let it be fun.

Just thought I’d give you all something to think about, or perhaps to swing for.

That is so typical Mario. You are so pretentious. You think you are this great big huge amazing guy. Just because you’ve been around so long, you think your all that. Well, your not. Well, at least, I don’t think you are.

First off, if you had any clue as to how to treat your enemies you wouldn’t have to worry about them kidnapping the princess every 37 minutes.

When fighting your enemies:

1. Use a weapon! Bouncing on their head is not going to stop them. Trust me, you need a sword, or a boomerang, or a bomb, or a slingshot, or for pete’s sake man, even a net would do. Yeah, yeah, I know, you finally got up the courage to pick up a squirt gun. I’m sure that scared off all the 2nd graders that had kidnapped the princess.
2. Stop playing golf with the person who is responsible for kidnapping the princess!!! I can’t emphasize this enough! This is just stupid. It’s like: “Hey, Bowser, wanna go play golf by the castle. Oh, and by the way, don’t kidnap the princess who is sitting in side!” or even better “Hey Bowser, the princess wants to go golfing wanna come along? Oh, by the way, Don’t kidnap her! Hahahaha!!!” What are you, a lunatic?

I think you’ve done enough, you’ve had your day of glory and it’s time for you to totally let someone young and handsome step in and take over. I mean, aren’t you getting a bit greedy? You have

1. Mario World
2. Mario Party
3. Mario Golf
4. Mario Tennis
5. Mario Baseball
6. Mario Basketball
7. Mario Soccer
8. Mario Olympic Games

If you were really interested in the “kids’ best interest” you would step down gracefully and allow for some new games like

1. Hyrule Party
2. Hyrule Golf
3. Hyrule Tennis
4. Hyrule Baseball
5. Hyrule Basketball
6. Hyrule Soccer
7. Hyrule Olympic Games

Do you know how much freaking fun it would be to play golf on Hyrule Field? Hyrule is a great place for fun activities we have plenty of space and a beautiful location. Why can’t we have some fun for once?

Excuse me Cranky, but have you even picked up a Metroid game? I don’t think you have. I think you have an issue with the female video game characters. I think that is what your problem is.

 ”But the themes are very, very dark, not like sunny old Super Mario.”

Dark, you accuse me of having a “dark” theme? Excuse me, the entire HUMAN RACE IS BEING DESTROYED BY ENERGY SUCKING ALIENS!!!! That’ll make a great cheerful story. Yeah, “sunny old Super Mario,” unlike Mr. Mario, I’m not in the habit of spending my weekend golfing with beast who keeps steeling the princess. I don’t have a trust complex. I know who my enemies are and I kill them.

But what really irks me is this whole “dark” theme. What’s so dark about Super Metroid? You think “A Link to the Past” wasn’t dark? I thought the whole “Dark World” thing was really obvious. Fortunately for Mr. Linky, energy stealing aliens didn’t come and KILL EVERYONE OFF BEFORE HE GOT THERE!!! It’s not like I wanted to be stranded on a lone planet with millions of creatures trying to kill me.

Sure, I can see how the new Metroid Prime 2: Echos and maybe Prime 3: Corruption have a “darker” theme, but why not pick on Twilight Princess then? If that isn’t dark, I don’t know what is. I mean, it’s TWILIGHT for goodness sake.

“It didn’t have any dialog, and the puzzles had no real clues for you to figure them out.”

Super Metroid is totally a run around and shoot things game, there was nothing to figure out, unless you kept changing the controls and couldn’t remember what button did what. What more of a plot do you need? I mean, MegaMan just rand around shooting things for seemingly no good reason. Kirby goes around shoving everything he sets eyes on into his mouth (without washing it off first) what kind of plot is that? And I suppose you think that two monkeys can really take out an overweight crocodile by jumping on it’s head? I could have taken him out with 3 super misles. (I actually did once… that was… kinda fun.

Anyway, I think maybe you should actually play some of these games before you give your crappy opinion on them. Thanks for nothing.

So you thought I was kidding, did you? Well, take heart, because ol’ Cranky’s back with his comments and criticisms (but mostly criticisms) on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and the best five games that new-since-’91 thing has to offer.

I certainly didn’t like the SNES when it came out, believing that they were going completely radical with their fancy new graphics and such. Of course I was right; look at what that started. In retrospect, though, it’s definitely easier to enjoy than those new three dimensional puzzles they call games, because most of what’s there is pretty similar to what came before it. But didn’t it seem like a rip-off to you when they tried selling old games with new graphics? What could be more useless? (For more ranting, visit me in the original Donkey Kong Country game. And don’t press “B”.)

The Super Nintendo was an era of wonderful 2D games wrapped in the fruits of artists who were paid too much for their time. Perhaps the pinnacle of this was the Donkey Kong Country series. (Hey, don’t think I’m biased here; ever seen my instruction booklet comments for these games?) Instead of the redundancy of listing three titles from one series, I thought I’d just lump them together as one. How does that sound? So, my list for this system in no particular order is: Donkey Kong Country Series, Super Mario World, Kirby Super Star, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. In a trend similar to N64 games, I see a lot of titles with “Super” in them.

Let’s dodge a few mines real quick, shall we? “Evil old Cranky left out the Metroid game!” I know, I know, I’m a criminal. I’ll touch on that one later, I promise. It came down to choosing between that and the Zelda title. Which would you have preferred? “No fair! Mario got two places!” Yeah, and that son o’ mine got three. And two of them were games he barely bothered to appear in. Let’s face it—those boys know what they’re doing. I’m not looking for the most famous characters ever (who happen to be there); I’m looking for fun content. And I understand there’s this flame war going on about that psycho-whatzit kid and his Earthbound game. I’m not taking sides here, but something that influenced me was that Diddy can be completely excited about playing it when he starts, and by the time he beats that final bad thing, he’s sick of it. Personally I like a game that tells you when you’ve been playing too long and includes brushing your teeth as beneficial in battle. That’s all I’ll say on it.

So, where should we start? Let’s get this one out of the way: my son’s Donkey Kong Country series. The first one is perhaps the most bare to some of you, because there wasn’t anything to collect over time except bananas. It had hidden bonus areas though, which was a necessary staple of this game that I don’t believe I’ve seen anything quite like in other titles. But the bosses were lame. The unnecessary sequels are where things get interesting. They’ve got stronger, more interesting bosses, coins from the bonus rooms to help you reach the surprise final boss, and money you can collect and give me! I still think Dixie should’ve been the damsel in distress. …I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but it’s my favorite thing they did in this series. On the File Select screen for Donkey Kong Country 3, press: L R R L R R L R L R. You will be prompted to enter a cheat. Enter the cheat TUFST (pronounced “toughest”). Select a new game, finish it, and find everything. When you see something like this on-line, it usually looks like a hoax. Take my word for it—this is genuine. I won’t spoil what happens.

Super Mario World introduced Yoshi and his ridiculously large tongue. It also gave several worlds two ways out. Yes sometimes you would go in circles this way, but there was a lot to find even without collectables. If a world was red on the map, it had two ways out. Remember that. It won’t help you with haunted houses, but remember it anyway. Then there was that Star Road, and then the secret within the Star Road. Things get real confusing after that; complete it at your own risk! Oh, and you think I’m getting forgetful in my old age? Seems Bowser’s children were forgotten after this one. Ah! And here’s a good one! When you go to face that final boss whose name escapes me at the moment, the place was ominously called “Front Door”. It was also a clue about the “Back Door” you could find. Not too shabby, eh?

Kirby Super Star was eight (or nine) games in one. I think this was brilliant. I only had to learn the controls one time (just one!), and I could play almost anything they threw at me. Two player simultaneous compatibility means more fun for more people. There was even an appearance from that Meta Knight fella folks seem to like. This idea is certainly a better alternative to trying to sell all those games individually!

So… We’re back to Zelda, are we? Well, this one was definitely easier to understand than that original Legend of Zelda, so you wimps had it easy. You could even buy tips to figure it out if those blinking marks on your map weren’t enough. And fairies healed you seven hearts—not eight. Seven makes a bit more sense, don’t you think? The bosses? Simple, but not easy. That’s what I think they should be.

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with Super Mario RPG, but it was made in part by the same folks as Final Fantasy. Oh, yeah, I didn’t put that one Final Fantasy game in here (is it III or is it VI?!) because it just takes too long to get strong enough to conquer the challenges. It’s not bad besides that. But this game was sweet and simple—a good first RPG for anyone. It’s not like the Paper Mario series either, where 8 HP is a big deal. It’s an all-fire RPG with elements of Mario added in. But really, is there ANY good way to earn the Super Jacket? (If you’ve never tried it, you might not want to bother…)

Okay, okay, before anyone gets a good chance to organize the torches. Why didn’t Super Metroid make it? It didn’t have any dialog, and the puzzles had no real clues for you to figure them out. Sound pretty good so far right? Well, this game was the “Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels” for the Super Nintendo, and by that I mean the hardest game on the console. People loved how long it was, too. But the themes are very, very dark, not like sunny old Super Mario. I’m not going to forgive them for their animation when you run out of health, either. Don’t people abuse this sort of thing enough, already? Oh, yeah, and that final boss (which took me ages to reach) has one of the worst attacks I’ve ever seen. If you’re already too low on health, you’re already screwed. It’s also unavoidable, so there’s nothing you can do about it. It does phenomenal damage which I’m pretty sure the boss healed with. An attack this powerful isn’t bad by itself… as long as there’s something you can DO about it! Did I mention that it felt like it was missing a plot where one should have been? And not a title being to be found, either. Still, if you’re looking for a big, long challenge, you might just like it.

Well, I hope I’ve whet your appetite a bit, so try some of these not-so-oldies and give your hands a break from those less-than-intuitive broken-feeling control sticks. I think the Super Nintendo is the best place to find a good side-scroller, too. The NES has the widest variety of games I know about, so I’ll need some time for that one, but tune in next week, when I cover the best five games that have come out for the Gamecube!

The Star Cup Tournament has just been finished for the 150cc category. I am very excited about these results! There were some close races and some last second comebacks which made for a very interesting and intriguing race. I was so caught up in the whole race business I almost forgot to give the “Final Lap” signal a few times. Fortunately I did remember and no harm was done.

Here are the final rankings:

Yoshi pulled out in 1st place.

Mario came in with 2nd place.

Bowser came through with 3rd place.

A few banana peels caused Peach to fall back to 4th.

Starting off poorly and making a slight comeback, DK took 5th overall.

Despite his best efforts Luigi found himself in 6th.

Toad make a good effort, but sadly ended up in 7th.

Sitting last in 8th place was Wario.

Link… Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link… Link, my dear friend… You are much too hard on the boy. There are many good points to the Earthbound series. For starters, playing as a little kid isn’t that bad now and again. I seem to recall a certain someone who spent much of his most recent hit running around collecting bugs. Doesn’t that sound like something a child should be doing? And yes, it may be true that your dad you never see anymore keeps calling you and telling you to stop playing, but he makes up for it by depositing bundles of borrowed cash into your bank account! And who said calling you was a bad thing anyway? And Giygas? That’s the best villain name I’ve ever heard! A lot better than “Bowser”. I mean what is he, a dog? “Heeeere, Bowser! Come get the stick!” Seriously.

Of course, I’m always looking out for the kids’ best interests. That’s why I came up with the idea to thinly veil the Donkey Kong 64 footage and music. This way, the light of hope does not vanish, and when the veil is removed, it’s not too disappointing because they get exactly what they were promised!

Of course, to be perfectly honest, Earthbound already has a franchise. It has a prequel and a sequel, although neither is available outside Japan. I’ve seen the merchandise too: Earthbound plush, Earthbound controllers, Earthbound action figures, Earthbound coffee mugs, Earthbound pencils, Ness baseball bats, Ness baseball bat bats (don’t ask), and Earthbound PSP (that is, a PSP with an Earthbound skin). See? That’s a kid on his way to success! His franchise is already more successful than Star Fox’s, am I right?

I say we let the boy have his U.S. sequel to his sequel! Surely it’ll be better than some of those Zelda games they never released! There is of course, just one point I must disagree with. “I say it’s time to chop off Mario—” I’ve heard enough! Right there! If I get cut down, Nintendo’s going down with me! After all, I AM Nintendo! No, child, I think that instead of me stepping aside for you, we should put a Nintendo 64 in your room with a fully playable version of Super Mario 64 in it. That’ll really attract the fans! Oh, but the rest of the sentence was fine.

Well, I’d have had my suspicions if you told me this eight years ago, but I’d probably have believed you anyway: I’m actually MORE disgusted with the games they’re putting out now than the ones they came up with back then. Bright colors, smooth graphics, streaming media that plays orchestrated music, in-depth stories—it all just looks so unnecessary to me. I’ll never be swayed from my opinion that the older the game, the better it is (except of course that Donkey Kong is probably the best one of all time). Space Invaders and Jetpac are old favorites, and Sabre Wulf is about as high tech as this old monkey cares to get. However, even I have to admit that some of the old N64 games were better than this new generation that uses controls no scientist could figure out.

I’m going to name what I believe are the best five N64 games out there, and what some of you might think are the best five ever. Now I’m aware there’s a number of those awful and confusing shooting games that are supposed to make you feel like you’re seeing it through your “hero’s” eyes, but luckily for me the opinions on those are so scattered it’s not worth trying to name one. The N64 was also incongruously short-changed when it came to role-playing games, which also were supposed to make you feel like you were whatever character you were playing, and none of them were any good anyway, so there aren’t any nominations there. And of course, there was no Metroid game, so that’s definitely not going to come back to bother me. Now I’m still going with the older the game the better, so that leaves us with this list of five: Super Mario 64, Star Fox 64, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Banjo-Kazooie, and Donkey Kong 64 (not necessarily in that order). Nothing quite like this set has come before or since.

Now before I continue, let me attempt to quell the rioters out there. You say there were sequels to these games? Not the same sequels that were originally planned. Ever heard of the Disk Drive? Went over like a lead balloon in Japan and was never released in the U.S. Worst mistake they ever made. Ah, but more on that in a minute. You say these games aren’t perfect? Well, no one ever accused them of it! A game’s only as good as the folks who program it. So, all you want, you can say to yourself, “You should be able to save!”, “Cranky should have kept his rocking chair!”, and “Luigi should be easier to find!” (Star Fox 64, Donkey Kong 64, and Banjo-Kazooie, respectively). I’m betting you’re still pretty satisfied with these games. “Oh, Cranky! Craaanky! What about Super Smash Brothers?” It has a sequel that most folks like better, and possibly another one coming out in February. …What’s that you say? Oh. Apparently due to some bubble-gum related incident, it’s coming out in March. At any rate, it might be the best N64 game ever, but it’s been trumped and not many folks play it as often as these ones.

But anyway, my list stands with those five mediocre games as the best this old new system has to offer. Now then, let me give you your opinion and tell you exactly what it is you like about these games so much. Super Mario 64 was the first game of its kind, and they must have done something right, because even if you’ve finished it with all those stars, you can just start it up, play, and have fun. I’d bet it’s because the levels are very large, but also easy to navigate quickly. Because of this, you don’t need an objective always in front of you. You can just make it up and play. Any game that captures this aspect means virtually endless hours of play. Banjo-Kazooie had a similar play style, although when you got the collectable things, you couldn’t set them back up. Still, it was just quick-paced enough that you could start over whenever you wanted. Plus, they built cheats right in, so you don’t have to pull out some third party piece of hardware when you get stuck! And the board game at the end was marvelous, revolutionary even! Donkey Kong 64 falls in this category too, although the levels were perhaps a touch more confined when it comes to navigation. Still, we gave you so much to find, so many critters to bash, so many mini-games, and even an appearance from me AND a Donkey Kong arcade game, you can’t help but love it. You could also earn cheats here, not by finding everything, but just by finding all those fairies. Unfortunately I broke my system trying to install that expansion thing they gave you with it. Very annoying.

Star Fox 64 and Zelda are in their own categories, I suppose. Let’s start with the easy one. Star Fox 64 defined replay value. The instruction book told you what you need to do to unlock harder paths, but your first time through you probably weren’t good enough to do it. Even so, you were able to finish the game, weren’t you? As you get better, the challenges become easier, and soon enough you’re setting up your own confusing matrix of stages you’ll be visiting. Plus, you get to bill the fella who hired you at the end. And they don’t expect you to read anything—they read it all for you!

So… Zelda, huh? Well, I’ll tell you this: as far as advertising VS delivery goes, this is the only Zelda game they’ve done right. Sure, they announced working on it two years early, but they didn’t really start advertising it until one year before its release. After this one it’s always three years in advance, so long you’ve lost interest by the time it comes out, and then it doesn’t have all the thrill of the original. What made Ocarina of Time so good? It couldn’t have been the fairy… Sure wasn’t the owl… Let’s see here—dungeons, easy to navigate world maps, side quests, mini-bosses, gear that tends to be used in only one or two places, a story (sort of), the fact that you could go anywhere you wanted again—hmm, this all looks like standard stuff. Wait, could it be? Yes! This game didn’t follow these standards, it set them! Not only that, but it made playing through all of it fun! Of course it had its own quirks, too. Surely you’ve all seen giant versions of those sand worm things, but how about a giant nighttime skeleton kid? Or a giant crow? They’re in there. The one thing I will complain about is I nearly doubled my age trying to get all those gold spiders (which turned out not to be a rip-off after all!).

Now let me ask you this: Wouldn’t you be excited if you heard—now or back then—that Super Mario 64 II was in the works? Or another Zelda like that one? That’s what the Disk Drive was going to accomplish. It would attach to the bottom, and you would put a game in the N64 and another cartridge (different shape) in the Disk Drive. The result would be a new game using the first one as a sort of basis. That means all the old worlds are there, but anything could be changed about them, and all kinds of new ones could be there too. If my studies are correct, they’d be able to release these just 2 years after the original, instead of going crazy, redesigning the entire thing, and releasing their “sequel” five years later. Two years is enough time for you to finish the game, get excited about the advertising, and get “all revved up” to play it when it comes out.

They actually finished the Zelda sequel, but never released it. That is, not until that “Master Quest” bonus disc thing. And not on the U.S. version. You heard me: somewhere right now, a little Japanese kid is pointing at the U.S. on a map and laughing his head off playing the real Master Quest. What kind of changes might there be? They didn’t tell me. But looking at the evidence, I’d say you get that Triforce, melt that frozen kingdom, go on some kind of mask side quest, and… something to do with Arwings.

Banjo-Tooie was going to be a Disk Drive game too. The version they finally settled on doesn’t quite make use of the super secret collectables of Banjo-Kazooie the way the original would have, but overall it’s not terribly disappointing. A Disk Drive version would mean you could go to the old worlds, collect the things, do new stuff, then go to the new part of the game and use the things. The sequel that exists is perhaps not as much fun as the original, but it does deserve an honorable mention here.

Those old games are looking pretty appealing right now, huh?

Join me next week, when I visit the top five Super Nintendo games!

STOP IT!! Hey, STOP!! Hello!? Are you listening to me?? YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!

What is with you people today!?!?! No one is ever going to win this race if one of you doesn’t turn around!! You’ve been at this for 30 minutes now!!! I don’t know if you haven noticed, but this is really pointless! This is never going to end!!! Someone just please turn around!

*sigh*

Why doesn’t anyone listen to me!?!?!?

Fine, you know what? If you want to play this same race for the rest of your life, traveling in a very small blue and red oval for years, that’s your own call. But I’m leaving! Yeah, you heard me. I’m out of here. You can keep track of your own laps, because I certainly have better things to do with my time. So take that!

Ness, I think the reason you have completely failed as a franchise has several reasons. First, you are like, 8 years old. No one want’s to play as an 8 year old kid when they could play as a dashing and handsome young adult with a sword and a horse. I mean, how can you pass up someone as good looking as me?

But I think more importantly than that, your plotline is so stereotypical it can’t get much lamer.

“When the chosen boy reaches the point, he will find the light. The passing of time will shatter the nightmare rock and will reveal thee path of light.”

Whoop-de-do. You are the chosen one. If you’re not one of the first people to the table with this idea, you’re seen as passe. I managed to get in before the door shut, but banging your head against the door won’t open it again.

“Giygas”

Sorry, but the main villain needs a better name. And it can’t start with a ‘G’. Too many people have villains starting with the letter g. Why not try using “Levarithan” or “Opoluthon” or even “Kevin” for goodness sake.

“Three things are of the utmost importance: wisdom, courage, and friendship.”

3 Things. You need 3 things, what do you want? A freaking triforce? Please! Surely you can come up with something better than copying me. (Or… maybe you can’t…)

Then one last thing, tell your Dad to stop telling off the gamers. The last thing gamers need is a phone call every two hours tell them they should stop playing. You know what? THEY DID STOP. And they NEVER GAME BACK. Your Dad is probably the sole reason that you never caught on as a franchise. If gamers want to play for 12 hours straight that’s entirely their call, they don’t need your Dad to yell at them and tell them to stop.