Blogging While Paused

I don’t fully understand my place in Mario Kart. I’m a ghost, I don’t technically weigh a thing. Yet, I found myself in the heavy weight class of cars.

This must be some sort of mistake on the paperwork, I distinctly remember checking the “Lightweight” checkbox on the registration form. Something must have gone wrong. I have weighed myself, and I have no weight, because my being doesn’t physically exist in this dimension of space. It’s odd, I know, but it works. Trust me.

I must say, I do drive a heavy kart, but that cart can’t make that much difference. I mean, if the kart was as heavy as they make it sound, then Pete’s Kart wouldn’t be able to move. No offense Pete, but your kart has to be light, or else adding your weight to it would cause it to crawl along the pavement like a dead caterpillar.

I tried to have it changed when I found out what happened, but they have some sort of policy against that, so I guess I’m stuck with it. Oh well, there is always next time.

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of my favorite video game song, it’s definitely the DK Rap. This song is simply a classic. I listen to it about 37.5 times a day as I do my monkey workout. It totally gets the blood pumping. It makes me want to sing. It’s a compulsion, I can’t help it… I just gotta… just gotta… oh man, I’m in the groove!

H-H-H…Here we go! So they’re finally here, performing for you
If you know the words, you can join in too
Put your hands together if you want to clap
As we take you through this fun-ky rap!
HUH! D. K.! Donkey Kong!

He’s the leader of the bunch.
You know him well.
He’s finally back to kick some tail!
His coconut gun can fire in spurts
If he shoots ya, it’s gonna hurt!
He’s bigger! faster! and stronger too!
He’s the first member of the DK crew!
D. K.! Donkey Kong! HEY!
D. K.! Donkey Kong is here!

This Kong’s got style, so listen up dudes!
She shrinks in size to suit her mood!
She’s quick n’ nimble when she needs to be
She floats in air and climbs up trees!
If you choose her, you won’t choose wrong
With a skip and a hop, she’s ONE COOL KONG!
D. K.! Donkey Kong!

He has no style, he has no grace
This Kong…has a funny face
He can handstand when he wants to
And stretch his arms out just for you!
In-flate himself just like a balloon
This cra-zy Kong just digs this tune!
HEY! D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong!
D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong is here!

He’s back again, and about time, too
And this time, he’s in the mood!
He can fly real high with his jetpack on…
With his pistols out, he’s one tough Kong!
He can make you smile when you hear his tune…
But, Kremlings beware ’cause he’s out after you!
D. K.! Donkey Kong! D. K.!
Donkey Kong! D. K.! Donkey Kong!

Fi-nal-ly, he’s here for you!
It’s the LAST member of the D. K. crew!
This Kong’s…so strong, it isn’t funny!
Can make a Kremling cry out for Mummy!
He can pick up a boulder with relative ease
Makes crushing rocks seem such a breeze
He may move slow; he can’t jump high
But this Kong’s one heck of a guy!
Hehehe…

Come on Cranky!
Take it to the stage! Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! Oh, yeah! Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells! Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells! Oh, yeah!

DEAR DIARY THEY HAVE FOUND ME I MUST RUN FOR MY LIFE THEY ARE TOO FAST I MUST GET AWAY MUST GET AWAY MUST GET

Dear Diary:

Forgive my hand writing, for it is unusually bad today, since I am writing while walking. Actually, walking is not quite the right word. Running is more like it.

We were attacked in the night by a bunch of Orcs and I would be dead now if the Undead had not attacked at the same time, and provided a distraction.

I am afraid I am the only one left now and I must find a place to hide. It looks like there is a path up ahead here might offer some shelter.  Perhaps I can rest here the night.

Dear Diary:

Today was exciting. We were attacked by a horde of undead forces that killed our soldiers and burned our buildings. They were so big and powerful that they killed everyone, except for a small band of 3 survivors. Myself, along with a foot soldier and another peasant headed away into the woods to hide from the onslaught.

Unfortunately the foot soldier died when we were attacked by some creatures guarding a gold mine. We finally killed the creatures, but now it’s just us two peasants. Looks like we’ll have to start from scratch.

Tomorrow should be fun.

Dear Diary,

Today was not exciting. I got up early and chopped wood from morning till dusk. At which point, when I thought I was done, I had to go and fix a barn.

People really seem to be in a hurry around here. I am really tired of chopping wood. I hope I can get a change of occupation soon.

Stay off the streets! Heavy traffic is clogging our roads, residents are upset, and the pollution levels are rising. Now might be a good time to introduce your mass transit program.

Dear Diary:

I built another farm today. Then I built a tower. After that I built another tower and then another farm. Then I chopped wood for the rest of the day. It was a long and boring day. I hope tomorrow is more exciting.

Peach, I’m sorry to say it, but that is the worst idea ever. No one is ever going to need to save Mario, ever. And that’s that… well… okay, there was that one time in… oh, and that other time… …when I was missing… …man, I forgot all about that… …those were good times…

But back to my point, no one is going to think that that is a good game. I mean, even the name is clunky and hard to say: “Super Peach World”? Please! Spare me!

Besides, we’ve moved beyond the realm of castles now, we’re in the space age now! We have whole universes to explore, not just lame old castles. You’ll have your time to play golf and tennis and Olympic games, and racing.

Leave the people saving to the professionals.

I had an idea for a new game the other day. Call it Super Peach World. Here’s the concept. Mario, while fighting Bowser, gets kidnapped and taken to a castle, and then Princess Peach, (that’s me!), has to fight through 8 levels of castles to save Mario from the Evil Bowser.

This game would be amazing! It would be much better than most Mario games.

Mario games make me look ditzy. I keep getting caught by Bowser, and I have to be rescued. Well, I’m not a fragile little statue! Have you seen me in Smash Bros? I am a death machine!

In fact, just last week I was in a match against Mega Bowser, and I defeated him single handedly. Which is more than I can say for Mario one of my “Allies” against Mega Bowser.

I know I can do this! Just give me a chance! Why can’t I save the day once?