Blogging While Paused

I was tidying up my room the other day, and I found this account written on a page in one of my many notebooks by my bedside which covered one of the 14 degrees of art I have. (Woodrow Wilson scholarly my foot, but that’s a rant for another time!) Memories. Hmph!

3/8/2001
Well, now I’ve done it. While Mario was off on another of his adventures (I think he calls it “Paper Mario”), I secretly installed a trap door in the floor of the bedroom and constructed a cellar underneath it. I’ve been keeping a diary down there as my own little secret. Something to do while he’s away. So why aren’t I writing this entry in that diary, you ask? Two words: I’m stuck.

That’s right, while trying to drop through my trap door, I got stuck in it. I’ve actually been here for three days now. My periodic flailing has finally gotten me a notebook and a pen from a table to give me something to relieve the madness. So now I’m just waiting here for something to happen.

Mario hasn’t come home in weeks. I haven’t eaten, slept, or changed my clothes since I’ve been here. I miss my toes. I left spaghetti cooking before I went to the basement, foolishly believing I would be back in five minutes. The house is now fragrant with a light scent of spaghetti, mixed with a heavy dose of over used hot metal and burnt noodles. The pot of sauce has been overflowing, and the puddle grows closer to me every day (though I shudder to think what the kitchen looks like). I think I heard a meatball explode yesterday. Dust is gathering on every shelf I can see, and I long to clean them sooo badly. I left a window open, and birds have started to land on the window sill. My poor notebooks which I left by the window! Why do I leave them by the window?!

The next time Mario goes off to adventure, I’m finding some diversion to keep me out of the house. I’ll hire some help to take care of those dusty shelves while I’m gone, but I seriously don’t think I can afford to have this happen again. Maybe I’ll take a cruise and tour the Mushroom Kingdom. Maybe I’ll get lucky enough for a fair to roll by. Heck, if I have to, I’ll check
into a hotel in town and play tourist right here.*

Maybe if I’m really lucky, I’ll get a letter that sends me off on an adventure to a far away place.* Then I’ll be the one with many great tales while Mario
stays home to watch things. Then he’ll build and subsequently get stuck in a trap door and I’ll just laugh and laugh and laugh!*

All of a sudden I’m noticing things seem a lot taller. Is my malnutrition and lack of rest causing me to atrophy into shortness? Mario, if I don’t get out of this, I just want you to—————-~~~~~ (The rest of the page is one large scrawl as a result of falling through the trap door.)

Luigi’s notes:
I later wrote a short entry about this account in the diary I mentioned.

* 3/11/2001: Now that I’ve eaten and thought about it, it might make more sense to do this in some of the places Mario’s adventured through.
* 10/14/2004: I was shocked today when this happened. However, it turns out Mario got a similar letter just days earlier! (Paper Mario 2)
* 6/10/2007: I found this page again. Um… I didn’t mean the last statement that I put a star by, Mario. I was tired and hungry! Please don’t hold it against me!

It happened again. I can’t stand when it happens—literally, I can’t! I’ve been paused in midair. It’s been happening to me since as long as I’ve been able to jump. Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve always enjoyed the whole jumping ability I’ve been granted. But I really don’t like it when I get paused on the way up or down. Does it sound like fun to defy gravity? It is… if, say, you do it right with a Wing Cap or some other method of flying. Sitting there suspended in the air without even being able to dangle is nauseating.

Super Mario 64 is where it really started to get irksome. Some folks heard me complain about how much more comfortable it would be if I could sit down while paused. Looking like you’re sitting down doesn’t help much while you’re in midair. And then came the worst of all: “Hey, let’s try pausing it while he’s upside down! That’ll look funny!” The horror.

Super Smash Bros. Melee brought a new dimension to it with that zoom in feature of pausing. People pausing to check out various cool poses just means I get paused in whole new angles to be observed. And the most horrible is when someone pauses to leave for an hour or two saying “Can I leave it paused ‘til we get back?” Of course, that’s not as bad if I’m on the ground, but think about it: how much more often do you pause in midair than on the ground?!

Super Mario Sunshine offers me some relief. You can’t pause at all unless my feet are planted solidly on the ground. Less people realize you can “pause” with the Z-Button any time in that game, but then at least I can read the brochure of Isle Delfino and not think about the lack of land beneath me. But, oh! I can only shudder as I anticipate what will happen in Super Mario Galaxy when it comes. Am I doomed to be paused while leaping across chasms with miles of nothingness between me and the ground below? The horror.

I must be the worst boss ever. I mean, look at me! I kidnap a Princess, and hold her captive, IN HER OWN CASTLE! So I’m basically giving Mario home field advantage. He’s over at Peach’s place every other day, if you see where I’m going here. Fixing the plumbing, that kind of thing… … … …

On top of that, the stars Mario needs to defeat me, are found in the pictures, in the castle. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s going on here!

Then there’s my “helpers.” If you can call them that. These stupid bimbos waddle around all over the place, just waiting to be stepped on. All it takes is one foot and “POP”! There goes another goober. I step on about 3 of the stupid things just on my way to the kitchen for afternoon snack! Like these things will ever stop anyone. Maybe they can “cute” him to death. Or maybe he’ll die laughing!

Then there’s a matter of hit points. You know how many hit points I have? Three. That’s right, three. Whoop-de-do! You know, I could stand to have 3 hit points, IF THERE WEREN’T BOMBS SURROUNDING MY ARENA!!! I mean, what’s up with that? Why in the world would I put BOMBS IN MY OWN ARENA!!! It’s not like Mario is going to run up and jump on them all by himself! I’m just totally asking to be killed. It’s like, “Hi, I’m a moron! Please kill me! Have a nice day!”

Gaaahh! I can’t take this anymore. I need to call my agent.

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